65.1 F
Los Angeles
Thursday, June 1, 2023

Trump Supporter’s Veins Feel Clean and COVID-Free Right Before He Dies

LAISOLE VALLEY, ARKANSAS — Doctors attending to his final moments say that Hoss Huckleberry, a local man and avid, die hard Trump supporter, passed peacefully in his sleep after poisoning himself with intravenously dosed disinfectant. The nurses and medical professionals looking after Mr. Huckleberry at St. Mary of the Stupids Hospital in nearby Dippschitt Springs said that he expressed regret at having listened to the president’s musings on alternative treatments for COVID-19, but that just before he died, he also described how his insides felt to them.

“Wow! This is amazing! I know I’m dying. I know I’m going to die, and die soon. I probably should’ve known that the guy who stares at eclipses might not have any basis in scientific data when he rambles on about things,” Hoss reportedly told friends, loved ones, and the hospital staff in his room at the time, “but, my veins feel great right now! Really fresh and clean!”

Fat Fuck Attention Whore: “Thousands of People Dying Don’t Hurt My Fabulous TV Ratings!”

Hoss was elated, his family said, that he was feeling so good right before he died. Huckleberry didn’t want to die in pain after contracting COVID-19 at a liberate Arkansas protest. Hoss had seen President Trump’s tweets encouraging the protests of stay at home orders issued by various governors, and decided it was his patriotic duty to go out with a couple hundred of his fellow Americans and demand his state open back up its economic activity in full.

“I can’t believe it! I don’t feel any coronavirus in my blood right now,” Hoss apparently exclaimed. “I mean, my tongue is numb, half my extremities don’t work, I’m shitting and puking some kind of foamy stuff, and my vision is getting darker and darker, but I don’t feel any coronavirus in me! Don’t feel much of anything because of all the morphine and what the bleach did to my insides, but MAGA YOLO, know what I mean fam?”

It all happened so quickly, Hoss’s family told our reporter. He went to the protest, and started feeling COVID-like symptoms within two days. Last night, Hoss watched President Trump’s daily campaign rally and coronavirus task force press conference, heard him speculate about injecting disinfectant, and UV rays, and immediately went down to the basement to rummage around in his cleaning supplies.

At first, Hoss tried to figure out how to hook up his roommate’s home tanning bed to an IV. After thirty frustrating minutes, Huckleberry decided getting UV rays into his veins would be harder than getting bleach into them. So, he decided that the large jug of bleach he had would indeed have to “do the trick,” he’d tell his family just before passing away.

“Hoss was a great man. A great family man. A God fearing man,” Huckleberry’s cousin Skeeter told us. “But he weren’t the brightest bulb in the box, if you get my meaning. Most of us would get that you can’t inject bleach into your body, no matter what the president says, but Hoss was a believer, and he believed the people he thought he could trust to give him the straight dope. We’ll miss that simple, kind hearted galoot somethin’ fierce.”

Donald Trump Jr: “Americans Need to Go Back to Pretending to Work Like Me”

Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Latest news
Related news


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.



Popular categories