LONDON, ENGLAND — Word has gotten to President Donald Trump that James Holzhauer has finally been defeated on the long-running quiz game show Jeopardy. Upon hearing the news that Holzhauer, who amassed a record sum of over $2.4 million during his epic run, had been bested by a young female librarian, Trump weighed in on James’ success and ultimate demise.
“You know, a lot of people told me I shouldn’t weigh in on every trivial thing that happens. A lot of people might wonder why I’d even consider this, and I don’t want to steal his thunder, because he’s obviously pretty good at Jeopardy,” Trump told reporters as he came out of a tour of the London Tower. “But, for starters it’s stupid to waste a chance to make something not about me about me, and second of off, and this is completely true, he wouldn’t have won a single game without me.”
Trump explained that “one time” he was walking down Pennsylvania Avenue and he happened to “accidentally bump into” Holzhauer. Trump didn’t know who Holhauzer was at the time. but he says the future trivia champ “knew exactly who” Trump was.
“He looked at me and tried to walk away, which is what most people do when they see me. You know, on account of not knowing how to handle themselves around such a rich, stable genius with a totally normal shaped genital set and hands,” Trump explained. “But I cornered him. We started talking. He tells me he’s going to go on Jeopardy.”
The president says that’s when he gave Mr. Holhauzer “key advice.”
“I told him to make sure he gives the correct responses, which of course is literally the best advice you can give someone,” Trump told reporters. “I’m sure he’d never heard that advice before, I can tell you that much right now. He hasn’t sent me the thank you card or gift baskets I’d expect, of course, but he’s got time. For now. I’ll issue a presidential decree if I have to, but I don’t think it’ll come to that.”
Mr. Trump said that if he weren’t president, it’s “entirely possible” Holhauzer, and every other contestant, wouldn’t have won a single match.
“Before me? No one was winning. It was all losing. Losing as far as the eye could see,” Trump explained. “So when I was presidented, in front of literally the largest crowd ever assembled for any event ever, the winning started. No one could even technically win before that point, anyway. So again, another reason why, in the end, that record really belongs to me. We’re gonna make some calls to Bob Jeopardy, who of course everyone knows created Jeopardy back in 1992 on a bet, he made with, you guessed it, me.”
President Trump not only took credit for Mr. Holhauzer’s stunning win streak, he took credit for its completion.
“The Trump giveth, and the Trump taketh away,” Trump said. “I decided that was enough. It was time for someone else to win. I didn’t, of course, say anything to anyone. Or even really communicate that thought with a single person. But no sooner had I thunk’d it, that it happened! Presidential mind powers are lit, fam.”
The producers of Jeopardy could not be reached for comment. Mr. Holhauzer simply laughed extremely hard and hung up when we asked him to verify the story. Sean Hannity has threatened to sue us for running this piece.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.