FART-A LOT-GO, FLORIDUH — The former, one-term, twice forever impeached 45th Smartest President of the United States issued a statement this morning, slamming the current administration. Donald Trump, a reality-TV game show host with several failed businesses under his belt, blasted Biden for how he’s handling the drawdown of U.S. troop presence in Afghanistan.
As the country, and indeed the whole world watches, Taliban forces have been reclaiming the territories they lost during the American war in Afghanistan. Despite U.S. forces being there for about twenty years, city after city, location after location, has fallen back into Taliban control. Many have noted that the drawdown was agreed to under Trump’s administration, and that presidential administrations from both major parties have propped the war effort up long after most experts believed a true military success could be achieved in Afghanistan.
Trump ignored any part he had in the troop withdrawal, and instead harangued Biden for not inviting the Taliban to Camp David, as he did, during his presidency, near the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. The following is a transcript of Trump’s statement on the withdrawal of U.S. troop support from Afghanistan.
|FROM THE DESK OF THE GUY WHO WOULD STILL BE PRESIDENT IF ELECTIONS DIDN’T COUNT MORE THAN MY HURT FEELINGS
What in the holy Hell is Sleepy Toe-Teepy doing re: Afghanistan? How can be so stupid? He pulled out? I was just telling my gorgeous First Lady I never pull out, and Ivanka agreed that it was one of my best qualities; the not pulling out part, I mean. Even though Sleepy is just going through with the agreement I made, I still, very much so and bigly forever, blame Joe Biden alone, for how poorly things have gone with our withdrawal from Afghanistan.Obviously, the Biden administration is too lame and/or stupid to use the magic formula that me and my team came up with. Put simply — kiss some Taliban ass. Invite them to Camp David on the anniversary of 9/11. Send your Secretary of State over there to take photos with them and to strike deals with them. In other words, treat them better than I treated Democrats and the press for four years, otherwise, you’ll get cucked, like they’re doing right now to the Biden people. SAD!If anyone knows what autocratic despots want to hear, it’s me! Just ask Kim Jong Un and Vlad Putin! I’m like the douchebag whisperer! After all, it takes one to know one! So I’m offering my services, cheap, if Joe wants them. I’ll get this whole thing turned around, just like I handled COVID perfectly.
The Biden White House could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.