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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Trump Tells President Of U.S. Virgin Islands He’s Most Thankful For Donald Trump This Year

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Trump called the President of the U.S. Virgin Islands for their weekly briefing. Ever since the hurricane ravaged the region, Trump has been holding calls every week with the various leaders in the area, getting updates on recovery efforts. After a rather informative call with Puerto Rico’s president, Trump called the Virgin Isles’ president and reportedly had a lighthearted conversation about all the events of this year, and even what each man is thankful for.

With reporters in the room, Trump picked up the phone, and asked his secretary to connect him to the Virgin Islands’ president.

“You’re already connected sir,” his secretary told him.

Trump thanked her, and continued.

“Hello? Hello? Who’s this? Is this the President of the U.S. Virgin Islands,” Trump asked.

After several moments of silence, Trump pushed forward.

“I can only assumed you’re, as always, shocked into stunned and reverent silence to be talking to the almighty President,” Trump said. “So, I just wanted to touch base and wish you and everyone in the Virgin Islands a very Happy Thanksgiving.”

Still more silence on the other end of the line.

“Again, you silent awe is something I really enjoy,” Trump said, “I’d almost say I’m grateful for it. Say! It’s almost Thanksgiving! Why don’t we do that thing where we tell each other what we’re thankful for?”

Yet again, the other end of the phone was stone quiet. Trump pressed on.

“You being in a constant state of quiet respect for me is bigly,” Trump said. “So I guess I’ll start then? Okay, I’m very grateful for Donald Trump this year. I mean, I’m always grateful for Donald Trump, Mr. President, but this year, I’m particularly thankful for me.”

President Trump explained to the President of the U.S. Virgin Islands that he “never really expected to be elected” last year. He entered the race to pressure NBC to give him more money for his now defunct reality-TV show, The Apprentice, Trump said. When he won however, he had no idea just how “bigly great” a year he’d have.

“Boy, I think that Trump fella’s really put in some hard work,” Trump told his counterpart. “You know, when this year started, his golf handicap was a full six points higher. Tell that to the FAKE NEWS media when they go asking questions about my so-called lack of accomplishments.”

Though he tried for ten minutes to coax an answer out of the U.S. Virgin Islands president, Trump never did hear what the other man was thankful for, but he figured he could hazard a guess.

“I can only truly assume at this point that you are again stunned into silence by my greatness,” Trump said. “And so you’re probably thankful for Donald Trump too. Like everyone is, really. God Bless America, I guess, but God Bless Me for sure.”

More satire:

In New Ad, Roy Moore Offers To ‘Stuff Alabamans’ Young Birds’ This Thanksgiving

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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