WASHINGTON, D.C. — He’s calling it another one of his “perfect phone calls,” but this time President Donald J. Trump didn’t ask Ukraine for help getting re-elected; he asked the country of Thighland.
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“Yes, the president is devoted to rooting out corruption, wherever it is, and at the very minimum figuring out how he and his grifter piece of shit loser con artist kids can get their cut,” Kellyanne Conway told reporters today. “So he, like any president of the white Republican persuasion is entitled to do, made a phone call to the President of Thighland asked that they lend a hand in investigating Senator Harris for anything they think might be corrupt.”
Conway said that the White House would forward a list of the things Trump officials have had to resign in disgrace over to Thighland’s government. Thighland could then use that list of things Trump staff have done as examples of the kinds of corruption to look for. However, Conway said Thighland’s law enforcement should “feel free to get creative” and make things up if they need to.
“If we’re not careful, this election will be decided by the overwhelming majority of people who don’t want the president to be in office anymore,” Conway said, “and that’s a future none of us can risk. Since when are people entitled to have a government that represents them, just because they actually are a larger group? That sounds like mob rule to me. You call it democracy and logic and common sense, I call it mob rule, so as to keep the president’s base scared of the 21st century.”
Later in the afternoon, President Trump was seen on the White House lawn, awaiting the Secret Service’s cars to come and pick him up. Trump said he was being taken to Walter Reed Memorial Hospital. There, surgeons would take turns farting into his skull.
“That way, the place where my brain might normally be keeps putting the same level of stuff in my mouth to say,” Trump explained, “and sure, while I’m waiting for my ride, I’ll answer some questions. I hope they take me by McDonald’s or Burger King or both or also both and Hardee’s too, or whatever, on the way home.”
Trump farted loudly as a reporter asked him about his call with Thighland’s president.
“It was a perfect call, a very perfect call. Those are actually the only kinds of calls I’m capable of making; perfect ones,” Trump said. “It’s almost a burden, a real burden, how I’m only capable of doing things perfectly.”
Trump balled up a wad of paper he’d been using to pick his teeth with and threw it toward a nearby trash can, missing by several feet.
“BOO YAH! Nothing but net,” Trump shouted, raising his arms. “Man, I should’ve been in the NBA! Then again, being around that many urbans at one time intimidates me. It’s why I could never be in the same room with Herman Cain and Ben Carson.”
Finally, after ten more minutes of rambling on about how much he’s done “for the blacks,” Trump finally got around to talking about his call with Thighland.
“Yeah, it was really very perfect. Quite perfect. Which means Nervous Nancy, Crying Chuck, Antsy Tom, Crazy Shelly, Smelly Mike, and even Long-Donged Mcgillicuddy will wanna impeach me again for it,” Trump said, “but it was perfect as hell.”
It’s unclear at this time what Thighland could possibly investigate Harris for. That doesn’t seem to bother Trump at all, however. He explained to the reporters that “it doesn’t matter” what, if anything investigators find, it will hurt Harris politically just to be the subject of an investigation.
“Fake countries are best equipped to find fake dirt on candidates,” Trump further explained. “It’s really a win-win for me. We either find dirt on her, or we tarnish her reputation, Crooked Hillary style. It’s good to be king!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.