WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last year, President Donald Trump gave golf champion Tiger Woods a medal that he said is “near and dear” to him, and that Trump himself hopes to win one day.
“I’m here to honor a bigly great man, Tiger Woods. Everyone knows I’m the best golfer in the country,” Trump told reporters in the Rose Garden. “But it’s still pretty neat to give this award to the best golfer not named Donald Trump!”
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Source say that in an attempt to make inroads with the African American community, Mr. Trump has decided to award Woods the Presidential Medal of Adultery, which he said is a new medal that was commissioned when he took office in January of 2017. The medal for adultery is the second one given to Woods by Trump. Woods was also presented with the Medal of Freedom, but Trump said the one for adultery was “prolly cooler and stuff.”
“When I took office, I noticed that there weren’t any presidential medals I could win. And I thought to myself that sounded dumb, because if you have presidential medals, they should be medals the president could actually win,” Trump said. “Just ask my evangelical Christian supporters — no one commits adultery like I do. I’m the bigly best at it.”
Woods famously had his own issues with fidelity in his former marriage. There were reports that he had at least a handful of relationships with women outside his marriage, which led to the tensions with his now ex-wife that helped end the union. Trump said he was “very impressed” that Woods “landed so much hot tang,” but that if he was honest, Trump “outdid” Woods in one regard.
“He’s cheated on one wife, I’ve cheated on literally all of them,” Trump boasted. “He may have more major championships than me, but that’s really only because I didn’t want to join the PGA and win all the events. I wanted more people to enjoy winning, because you know, I win so much. Tiger’s cheated on his one wife, and that’s great, of course. But I’ve cheated on literally every woman I’ve married. It’s almost like I don’t give a shit about the institution of marriage, no matter what Jerry Falwell Jr. says, huh?”
President Trump announced that he has also commissioned a few more presidential medals that he will give to Americans he says are his “personal heroes and role models.”
“I’ll be giving the Presidential Medal of Loyalty to Jefferson Davis, and the Presidential Medal of Courage to my great friend Ted Nugent,” Trump said. “Both of those medals, by the way, I am totally qualified for, just in case some future president wants to give it to me.”
Tiger Woods is not the first prominent pro-athlete to get a Medal of Freedom from Trump. The president gave one posthumously to the late Babe Ruth, considered one of the greatest baseball players in history. Trump also gave a Medal of Freedom to boxer Joe Brown. Trump awarded a Medal of Freedom to Elvis Presley and Republican super-donor Miriam Adelson. During his State of the Union address this year, Trump infamously awarded right-wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom, but would later also give him a follow-up award, the Presidential Medal of Oxycontin and Racism.
The president said he will “prolly stop giving out freedom medals” soon, because he thinks “freedom is overrated when you have a great president like Donald Trump.”
“Let’s face it, freedom’s over. It had a good run. But isn’t it nice to know we’re setting up a kick-ass little white nationalist enclave and theocracy instead,” Trump asked rhetorically. “Not that I have any clue what those words mean. But Stephen Miller said they’re good words, and why would someone who looks like a literal penis ever be a dick and lie to me? Exactly fam. Exactly.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.