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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Trump Wants Rogue Twitter Employee Deemed Enemy Combatant and Sent to Gitmo

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is very angry at the former Twitter employee who made his account unavailable for eleven minutes on his last day of work with the social media platform. In a Tweet this morning, Trump addressed the issue.

Apparently not content to Tweet once on the subject, several hours later, Trump returned to Twitter and made his feelings on the matter very clear. He also intimated that he wants the Department of Justice to find the employee, deem them an enemy combatant, and have them tried and sent to Guantanamo Bay’s maximum security federal prison.

It’s unclear that the Twitter employee who took Trump’s account offline for eleven minutes on their last day with the company broke any laws when doing so. It is possible internal Twitter employee rules were broken, but legal scholars this publication spoke to have indicated they find no statutes against silencing the president’s personal social media platform.

“The president’s feelings were really hurt, guys,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told the media this morning, “and frankly we think he’s got a pretty good case that this unpatriotic, un-American scumbag former Twitter user broke the law when they did this. Which law? We don’t know. But if we have to make one up and convince our base there’s one on the books, we will do our duties to the Constitution and do exactly that.”

The president has used his Twitter account to bash senators, the families of fallen Gold Star soldiers, celebrities, and the media. Twitter has said repeatedly that they will not officially suspend his account, despite the fact that those activities would likely get other, less powerful Twitter users, suspended from their platform.

“The simple fact is that he is worth so much to our stock value that we’d rather him start World War III with North Korea and bully the media, demolishing a democratic institution like a free press, and generally create havoc and chaos in the world than hurt his feelings and suspend his account,” a Twitter spokesperson told us via Skype.

President Trump called what the Twitter employee did “the worst tragedy in America since 7/11 or the Surrender at Appomattox.”

“My fingers are small, but my rage is bigly,” Trump told reporters, “and this unpatriotic scumbag will pay the price. This is worse than even an uppity urban taking a knee during the National Anthem. We cannot rest while this subhuman mongrel is walking the streets.”

The Department of Justice did not respond to requests for comment.

Some more satire to enjoy:

Trump Hints at Offering Astros’ Yuli Gurriel Cabinet Seat During White House Visit

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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