WASHINGTON, D.C. — Decades-long relationships between the United States and its strongest European allies are being tested on President Donald Trump’s current international trip, and today he issued a new threat to the Queen of England.
“These protests, that big baby balloon of me, at first I thought they were a compliment, because any time I hear my name I have a Pavlovian response to it and I get all smug and self-satisfied,” Trump explained to reporters as he made the final preparations for his date with Russian President Vladimir Putin. “But someone on my staff just informed they’re actually trying to insult me, and I have to tell you, this is why we fought against these guys in 1769 or whatever.”
An aide whispered into Trump’s ear.
“Huh? 1776? That’s dumb. That’s a way dumb year. Not nearly as cool and sexy as 1769,” Trump said. “It’s 1769 now.”
Mr. Trump said that he feels the massive protests that erupted in London’s streets were such an “unforgivable insult” that the United States might be “forced to make some bigly tough decisions” which could greatly hurt the partnership between England his country that has endured for so many years.
“Look, I’m sorry, but you just don’t do that to job creators where I come from. Especially not white ones,” Trump said indignantly. “When I won my ENORMOUS Electoral College Participation Trophy they told me I was God now. Or at least I think that’s what they were saying; Ivanka was in this little black, skin-tight number at the time and my mind might have been elsewhere.”
Later that morning, as luck would have it, the Queen and Trump came face to face at the local delicatessen. Queen Elizabeth wanted corned beef on rye, Trump was looking for a BLT, and White House policy adviser Stephen Miller wanted to eat the heart of an innocent Mexican child, but settled for ham and cheese, rather disappointedly, mocking the “cuckery” of Britain’s food laws.
“Madam, I don’t know about where you come from, but in my country you’re not allowed to just say what you want to the president,” Trump said, wagging a finger in the Queen’s face. “And I have no choice but to go back home, after my boss gives me annual performance review in Helsinki, and then I’m tweeting you a new, better, Declaration of Independence. Mine will make us even more free of you guys though…a Declaration of More Independence!”
The Queen is still reportedly laughing hysterically. This story is developing.