MAR-A-LAGO — Not wanting to be accused of vacationing too much during his first year, President Trump paused shortly before taking his tee shot on the sixteenth hole of his golf course at his resort Mar-A-Lago in Florida to talk to reporters about his brand new national security strategy.
Last week, the president spoke to the nation and laid out his administration’s vision for national security strategies and policies. As reported by CNN, one of the key themes of the speech was in protecting America by going after “rogue regimes” like Iran and North Korea. The speech also allowed Trump to insult his predecessors.
“They neglected a nuclear menace in North Korea; made a disastrous, weak, and incomprehensibly bad deal with Iran; and allowed terrorists such as ISIS to gain control of vast parts of territory all across the Middle East,” Trump said. (CNN)
As he was getting ready to take his first shot on the sixteenth tee this morning, however, Trump gave an impromptu press conference and laid out yet another new strategy for national security.
“I’m sure you all saw that speech I gave last week. Many people are saying it’s literally the only national security speech any president has ever given, and others are simply saying it’s the best,” Trump said. “Both of those are very likely true. But I wanted to tell you all that I’ve been doing some thinking and our strategy when it comes to terrorism will need a little tweaking. We’re going to go with Ooga Booga Muslims from here on out.”
Pentagon UFO Program Makes Trump Demand Wall Be 70 Miles High
The president took some time to explain what “Ooga Booga Muslims,” which his administration will shorten to the acronym, OBM, means in terms of specifics.
“Basically, we’ll just scream Ooga Booga Muslims every time there’s a terror attack carried out by a Muslim person, or someone we assume is Muslim, or just someone we know isn’t Muslim but want to scare monger about for a day or two before the truth comes out about them,” Trump said. “It’s a bold, broad-brush, overly generalizing approach. So in other words, my base will fuckin’ love it, folks. Which, in case you can’t tell, is the only thing I truly care about.”
Trump said he got the idea for the strategy when he looked back on footage of his campaign trail speeches from 2016.
“I kept telling people how much a cuck that urban president was,” Trump said. “Because he never just called terrorism — every terrorist attack — what it is. Radical Islamic Terrorism. If he’d have just said those words, we’d have world peace and the streets would be paved with cheese. But nooooooooooooooo. He had to be a pussy and try not to insult the billions of peaceful Muslims living on the planet. Well, there’s a new sheriff in town, folks.”
Reached for comment, a spokesman for ISIS said they “couldn’t be more pleased” with Trump’s announcement from the links.
“Nothing makes it easier to recruit new soldiers for the cause than when western leaders say and do the exact kinds of things we accuse them of in our own propaganda,” the ISIS spokesman said. “So, in that regard, we can really only say one thing. Thanks, Trump!”
This story is developing.
You can read more satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.
CDC Adds “Giant Orange Douchebag,” “GFY,” and “No” To Their Official Lexicon