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Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Trump: U.S. To Boycott 2018 Winter Olympics In Solidarity With Russia

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump issued an executive order today barring the U.S. Olympic team from participating in the 2018 Winter Olympics.

“Suspending Russia from the Winter Games next year was a clear and obvious overreach and signing this executive order will show Daddy — excuse me, President Putin, that America will not let his country be treated unfairly,” Trump told the media as he scrawled his big crayon across the pages. “I believe him. And besides, he told me they didn’t do it, so who are you going to believe — independently verified testing results or Daddy?”

The executive order comes in the wake of the International Olympic Committee officially banning Russia from its games next year. During the previous winter games, Russia had been accused by a number of athletes and organizations of taking part in government-sponsored blood doping. The practice has been barred for years by the IOC, and today they issued a statement banning athletes from playing under the Russian flag. However, the IOC did say that athletes who can test clean would be able to still participate, but under a neutral authority.


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Per the BBC:

IOC president Thomas Bach and his board – who made the announcement in Lausanne on Tuesday – came to the decision after reading through the findings and recommendations of a 17-month investigation headed up by the former president of Switzerland, Samuel Schmid. (BBC)

“What’s all that wrong with doping anyway,” Trump asked rhetorically. “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying to win. At least that’s what Vlad told me last year…never mind. Forget that last part. Don’t write that down. I SAID DON’T WRITE THAT DOWN. DAMN IT. FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!”

Trump said his thinking was “crystal clear” on this decision.

“You’re loyal to people who help you out,” Trump said, “That’s all I gotta say to that. You dance with the girl that got you there.”

The president said that he had another option he was considering before he signed the order barring his country’s team from participating.

“I had an idea where we’d just give every Gold Medal we won to Russia,” Trump said. “But someone said the Kremlin might get confused because they’re the ones used to giving me gold. So we went with this, and I think every true, red-blooded American and Russian Twitter bot agrees — it’s the best idea in the history of humanity.”

The IOC was not able to be reached for comment.




More satire:

Trump Voter Wants Taco Bell Shut Down For ‘Being Too Mexican’

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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