WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration’s continuous changes at the United States Postal Service have reached a new level, according to several sources close to the situation.
“The president is planning to Postmaster General DeJoy that Democrats are to be charged two hundred dollars per stamp from now until November 4th,” one White House aide told us on condition of anonymity. “This is to help pay for the legal fees the president plans to incur while fighting the results of the election, which he’ll totally win of course, but just in case he wants to have a back-up plan. We all know it’s literally unconstitutional and illegal for him to lose, but it never hurts to have a Plan B.”
Already the Trump administration has made changes at the USPS that have ground some services to a halt. All over the country, Americans are reporting delays in delivery. This week, the postal service advised Pennsylvania that they likely would not be able to get all the mail-in ballots delivered within the state on time. Health experts and many elected officials are demanding the changes be reversed, as it poses a serious health risk to have people gathering to vote en masse during a pandemic.
“The president’s authority to do this comes from wherever Attorney General Barr pretends it comes from,” our source told us, “and so he’s pretty confident he can pull this off.”
In addition to raising postage prices on Democrats, the White House has ordered the Post Office to not drop the price of postage for Republicans.
“Elections have consequences,” our source said. “Sometimes those consequences are the complete dismantling of a service literally enshrined in our Constitution so that white collar criminals can remain president. We’re sure the American people will understand.”
The president isn’t the only one in his family to doubt the efficacy or safety of mail-in voting, though it’s unclear if, like his father, he still votes absentee. One of the president’s two barely sentient sons, Eric, as we reported last month, threw serious shade on it, saying it unfairly discriminates against men.
“That’s right, Chip, it’s really very sexist. How dare these states tell women they can’t vote? That’s just not very American, if you ask me,” Eric inisted. “We have a Constipation in this country, Chip! And that Constipation is extremely clear — all people are equal! These states that are going to male-in voting are violating the Constipation, and I’m gonna tell my dad on them!” (AltFacts)
In an unrelated story, Eric underwent an experimental treatment and his neural surgeon installed a second whoopie cushion, doubling his intellectual capacity.
President Trump told Americans today while sitting in the Oval Office not to “worry too much” about the increased postage.
“It’ll go down at midnight, November 4th, 2020, okay? Everyone just relax, it’s just for a very specific, very short period of time,” Trump said.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.