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Saturday, June 3, 2023

New Report: President’s Doctors Rushed Him to Walter Reed After Detecting Normal Human Brain Activity

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has adamantly and forcefully denied that a trip to Walter Reed Hospital that he took in November of 2019 had anything to do with “mini-strokes” he was having. Instead, he has insisted it was related to his routine, yearly physical. Whether or not that is completely true may not be ever known fully, but a new rumor is circulating around D.C., fueled by anonymous sources within the White House, that indeed the president’s trip to Walter Reed last year was nowhere near “routine.”

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“What we were told at the time was that President Daddy, excuse me, the president,” one anonymous source told us in a Skype interview, “was taken to the hospital because his doctors thought they needed to after they did a scan on his brain. It’s sad that the fake news won’t let President Daddy — excuse me again — the president have his privacy in this medical matter.”

What our source told us was that last November, Trump was complaining to White House staff that his “brain felt much less cloudy” and that he was “hearing way fewer voices in it.” When his brain stopped crafting racist jokes, Trump became alarmed. But when he didn’t impulsively and reflexively retweet a video posted by a follower with Twitter handle of “@RealAmericanPatriotTrumpRules1234” that showed doctored footage of him punching Joe Biden, he knew something was “bigly bad.”

“That’s when the doctors came in and hooked a machine up to his big, beautiful brain,” our source told us. “What they found out was very shocking and cause for some pretty big concern. His brain waves were looking very odd, at least for him. Apparently, his doctors told him that they were detecting brain activity that would look like that of any normal, at least semi-intelligent human being.”

When the president was first sworn in, he was given a battery of cognitive tests, as are all presidents. The purpose was to map out what Trump’s brain activity looked like under normal circumstances. This is a security measure to guard against any imposters taking over the office of the presidency. When medical teams compared Trump’s initial brain scans to the ones they took last November, it was apparent that something drastic was different between them.

“The doctors have a very good map of President Daddy’s — damn it! — the president’s brain waves,” our source told us. “So as soon as they stuff that looked like a normally functioning brain, they knew something was up, and that’s why the took him to the hospital.”

Once at Walter Reed, according our source, doctors were able to quickly figure out what was happening and implemented a strategy to restore the president’s brain functionality to its normal levels.

“They took him into a room and had someone fart into his left ear while he plugged his right one,” our source told us. “Then they had him listen to someone read him the Cornerstone Speech fifteen times. By the time they were finished, his brain was back to being filled with racism and farts, and so really this whole story is a big to-do about nothing!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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