WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly unhappy with the direction of the United States Postal Service under its current leadership, and is looking to make quite a drastic and buzzworthy change at the post office.
“I was raised to believe you take care of your klan,” Trump said. “Daddy was always very big on that. He’d say to me, ‘Protect your Klan, kid. At all costs.’ And it seems to me there’s a guy down in Florida who used his van to show the entire world just how much he’s in my klan.”
Trump told reporters on the White House lawn as he headed out for his morning doughnut, coffee, KFC, McDonald’s run that he was instructing his staff to look into the feasibility of replacing the current Postmaster General of the USPS with Cesar Sayoc, the man known more commonly as the “MAGABomber.” Last week, Mr. Sayoc was the subject of the biggest news story, after explosive devices he was sending to prominent Democrats and critics of President Trump started appearing. All of his bombs were intercepted by authorities before they reached their intended targets.
When Sayoc was arrested, he was found with his white van, which was plastered with pro-Trump, anti-liberal, and anti-Democrat stickers. Trump says those stickers were his “first clue” that he might be able to find a place for Sayoc in his administration.
“That man seems loyal as hell to me, and if I don’t reward loyalty, who will stay loyal,” Trump asked rhetorically. “If you ask me, his van was one hell of a job application.”
Mr. Trump indicated, however, that it was not just the van that made him think Sayoc might be a good fit for his administration.
“I mean, he clearly knows where the post office is, and in my administration that’s the kind of in-depth knowledge and expertise we look for,” Mr. Trump said. “Hell, when Rick Perry came on board with the Department of Energy, he didn’t even know what the department did and spent the first six months going around asking everyone if they felt like they had enough energy to get through the day, and he’d give them coffee if they said no. Weird guy, but hey, it all worked out.”
Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell took his deflated, shed snake skin of a penis out of the lump of coal he was balls-deep in and issued a brief statement.
“I don’t care what that man does as long as I’m here stuffing courts full of unqualified religious nuts and dismantling the middle class,” McConnell said. “Now, please, let me get back to what I was doing. Gonna nut so hard all up in that coal MF.”
This is a developing story.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.