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Sunday, January 29, 2023

Trump Warns That If Bidens Wins, America Will Look An Awful Lot Like America Looks Now

WASHINGTON, D.C. — If Joe Biden defeats Donald Trump in the general election this fall, it would mean the country will descend into the chaos, tension, and violence its seen over this past summer, but, just, different. That is, at least, according to Trump himself.

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“All I’m telling you is that what you’re seeing right now under my presidency is what you’d see under his, but you know, like, different, or something,” Trump said aboard Air Force One yesterday, flying back to the White House after a visit to Kenosha, Wisconsin. “The streets of cities will be teeming with violent people looking to inflict pain on their political adversaries. It’ll be really bigly bad. In fact, you don’t have to wonder what it’ll look like, because some of our cities look like they’re gonna look, later.”

Trump was emphatic, though, that none of the violence, chaos, death, or destruction witnessed in a handful of cities is any of his own responsibility. The president said he’d had “several discussions” with his top officials, and all of them assured him that only Democrats are responsible for what happens in every corner of every small village in the country when they’re president. Republicans, Trump asserted, enjoy a much different experience.

“It’s literally impossible for Republicans to be responsible for anything,” Trump said. “Seriously, just look at my impeachment trial. If ever Republicans made it clear that we really don’t care about accountability or responsibility, it was when all my Republican buddies in the Senate held a trial with no evidence or witnesses and ignored the mountain of already existing evidence and witnesses and rubber-stamped my acquittal.”

Throughout the summer, President Trump has tried to cast protests that started in response to the killing of George Floyd, as being the fault of left-wing agitators and “Antifa” agents. Floyd, an unarmed black man, was killed on camera by a police officer who kneeled on Floyd’s neck for almost nine full minutes as other police officers watched. In the ensuing weeks, there have been more high-profile cases of unarmed black suspects being killed by police officers in situations that do not seem life-threatening to the cops involved.

Trump’s rhetoric has attempted to paint Biden and the Democrats as lawless anarchists. Political scientists have noted this line of attack is particularly bold of Trump, considering it would seem to open him up to criticisms about the multiple ethics laws he’s broken while in office. At any rate, today Trump renewed his attacks on Biden, via Twitter.

Just a few hours after sending that tweet, Trump was in the Oval Office hosting MyPillow’s CEO for a discussion on re-opening the economy when he once more implied that America would be unsafe under the leadership of a President Joe Biden.

“Look at what’s happening right now! All of that is going to happen under Joe Biden,” Trump shouted at reporters. “I don’t know why you fake news enemy of the people cuntfaced fucktards are so mean to me and so nice to Sleep-Dough-Deepy-Poe-Peepy-Schto-Schteepy Biden, but it’s gotta stop! You’re all gonna get this country turned into shit because you aren’t seeing what I see!”

Trump lambasted Biden and said he’d “absolutely turn the streets into violent, terrible places.”

“All the stuff going on in Portland right now? It’s going to also happen under Biden, if he wins, but, like, much more worser,” Trump said.

When asked by reporters what he’s doing to stop the chaos and violence, Trump laughed.

“Stop it? Fuck you, stop it,” Trump said. “I want it to keep going so that people can see what it will be like under Joe Biden. You know, under me. Does this make sense? Logically? No. But there’s a reason Republicans have called critical thinking Marxist for years, isn’t there?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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