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Monday, June 5, 2023

Authorities Baffled by Appearance of Giant, Rotting, Racist Pumpkin on White House Steps

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Halloween is just a few short days away, and the White House preparations for the holiday are in full swing.

Decorations are being hung all around the president’s residence and bowls of candy have been being prepared for days now. While the mood is generally festive and upbeat, sources say there are growing concerns over a massive, rotting pumpkin that no one seems willing to take credit for putting on the steps. The pumpkin in question has reportedly been screaming and yelling about “fake news” while also repeating racist Breitbart headlines about crime statistics.

“At this time, we’re not sure, really, how this rotting orange mass of disgustingness got to the White House,” one source told us, “but we’re pretty sure it’s the Electoral College’s fault.”

While most of the Halloween decorations started going up a couple of weeks ago, the rotting orange pumpkin arrived back in late January, we’re told.

“The weird part is that it was already pretty much rotted from the inside out when it showed up here,” one White House aide said, “and we’ve just gotten kinda used to pushing it aside whenever we need to get any actual work done.”

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The Secret Service has already investigated the situation and given full authorization to stand on the steps with the other pumpkins, which have been carved into various Jack-O-Lanterns.

“I’d call this one a Jack-OFF-o-lantern, though,” one Secret Service agent told us under condition of anonymity.

Because the rotting, racist, orange pumpkin smells so much like stale Russian prostitute urine and Kentucky Fried Chicken, some in the administration are hoping it will be removed soon. There is not definitive timeline for its removal, though there are rumors buzzing that Special Counsel Robert Mueller might be able to help out in that regard.

“Right now I’d say there probably 150 million or more Americans hoping Mr. Mueller can get a good crew together and remove this disgusting thing from the White House,” a source tells us, “because it’s getting worse. That pumpkin’s offspring started showing up around the same time and the stench of moron and corrupt greed is stronger than it’s been around these parts since Dick Cheney stopped visiting Dubya towards the end.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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