BUTTE CHEESE, IOWA — Former, one term, twice forever and ever and ever impeached President Donald John Trump whipped a crowd of his fervent believers into a frenzy last night. During the speech, which lasted more than sixty times longer than he’s ever held out with a woman he paid and/or coerced to sleep with him, Trump opined on the current president’s inability to “do a windmill vaccine” yet during his first term in office.
“I’ve had a lot of time to sit and watch OAN and touch my penis lovingly every time Jack Posobiec says my name these days, and let me tell you something,” Trump shouted into a microphone blaring his voice across a packed, maskless, unvaccinated crowd at the University of Northwest Eastern Southern Baptist Bible College’s football field, “you can tell how weak Sleepy Toe-Teepy is, can’t you?”
“I haven’t seen a single 3am rage tweet-fest from him yet, have you? Does he not care about the American people enough to complain about how the fake news is treating him to his millions of angry bot followers? Sorry, but, that’s Grade-A loser stuff if you ask me. And everyone always asks me. Maybe it’s because I have the perfect opinions on every subject ever, who knows? Who’s to say? The point is people talk about me, and that makes me extremely wet.”
About thirty five minutes into the speech, Trump removed a bucket of chicken placed under his podium. He pulled a drumstick out, stuck the entire thing in his mouth, bit down, then pulled the chicken leg back out. What came back out of the former president’s mouth were perfectly clean chicken bones, with no meat or cartilage attached.
“By the way, when I left, Stephen and I were damn close to locking up a windmill cancer vaccine. Super-duper close, folks. So, you really gotta ask yourself — what the Hell is Joe waiting for? Does he not think the great American people deserve to live a life free of worry from being diagnosed with windmill cancer?”
Trump promised that upon his return to the White House, he will rectify the situation immediately.
“And I’m saying I’ll fix it, no matter how I get back in there. Election, insurrection, whatever,” Trump promised.
“As God as my witness, I will get the windmill cancer vaccines to you, the beautiful people! But don’t worry! I’m not a big government guy! It’ll be your choice! I will not mandate it. I will not let companies force their employees to get it. I will, though, make sure that every incestuous cousin of the confederacy who wants one can have a windmill cancer vaccine, because unlike SOME, I truly care about everyone. Even the losers who don’t vote for me.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.