WASHINGTON, D.C. — An angry, ranting, outgoing, one-term, permanently impeached, lame duck President Donald Trump spoke to a massive crowd of riled-up members of his cult in front of the White House today, just hours before Congress started certifying his defeat.
Though there will be objections from Republican cohorts in Congress, there is nothing that will stop Trump from being booted from office in just two weeks. However, this morning, Trump assured his MAGA believers that he has not yet begun to tire of “winning at losing.” He insisted that he didn’t lose November’s election to Biden, but instead he “won at losing.”
“Who else has lost more than 60 lawsuits in such a short period of time?! Nobody! I’m the only one,” Trump shouted, referencing the dozens of lawsuits filed since election day on his behalf, almost all of which he lost. “I am winning at losing! Can you not see that?! I know you can! And let me tell you guys something! I am not yet tired of winning at losing, are you?!”
The crowd roared.
“I’m gonna keep losing at winning! I’m gonna file a lawsuit ever single day for the rest of my life against Sleepy Bo Beepy Joe and the Democrat Party,” Trump promised. “And I don’t care if I lose at winning all of them! Because now that I’ve shown how awesome it is to lose at winning, I don’t want to ever stop!”
Trump ranted for another hour and a half. At various points he’d stop, pull a fresh cheeseburger out of his pocket, and stuff it into his face. Spit and burger flew out of his mouth as he yelled and screamed.
“What if we just made elections work like golf rules? You know, golf, the game I’m pretty much the best at and should be a pro in, but I was too busy being your president,” Trump suggested. “How about we just make it so the lower score wins? If Billy Barr hadn’t abandoned me, I’d be telling him to make that happen right now!”
Joe Biden will become the next president in two weeks.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.