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Sunday, February 5, 2023

Trump Worries ‘Obama’s Stock Market Crash’ Will Tank His Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump told the American people today on the front lawn of the White House that he’s “bigly worried” about the recent performance of former President Obama’s stock market. The president explained that he decided to “let Obama have the credit or blame for anything that happens” with the stock market when it had multiple days of triple and even quadruple digit losses last week. Now, Trump says he’s concerned about what will happen to his economy if Obama’s stock market doesn’t pick up soon.

“My economy is very important to me, as you all know. It seems that no matter how many times I tell everyone that the wall  is being built and Mexico is paying for it, you don’t believe me,” Trump said, “Apparently all the disgraced resignations and evidence of rampant corruption within my administration has some of you feeling like I’m not going to make good on my promise to drain the swamp. So that makes my economy, and it is my economy according Bill Barr’s interpretation of the Constitution, extremely important to my re-election chances. If the previous black administration doesn’t do something about their stock market, and fast, I’m bigly worried about what that means for my economy and my re-election.”

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Credit for the strength or weaknesses of the economy is always a hotly contested topic. Because economies take time for policies to be implemented and take hold, the impact of such policies might not be felt until months or even years later, and then it’s not always so easy to tell who should get the credit or blame. However, with all things Trump and Obama, the sides are dug in, and many point to the math that seems to show that Trump’s job creation numbers actually lag behind the last three years of Obama’s presidency.

For his entire tenure, Trump and his surrogates and supporters have bristled at the notion that Obama’s economic policies are what the strength of the economy was resting on. Instead, they’ve insisted it was Trump’s aggressive undoing of many Obama era policies and regulations that spurred the economy on after he took office in January of 2017. It seems now, as the stock market remains extremely volatile and prone to massive losses, that Trump is at least willing to relinquish credit — and any responsibility — for its performance. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t worried about or aware of how the market is doing.

“I swear to God, this seems like a deep state coup, doesn’t it? It feels like Bob Mueller’s twelve million angry Democrats have managed to spook the markets,” Trump suggested, “just to tank MY economy. How could they do this? Surely they must be brought up on charges of treason, if we can prove this, shouldn’t they? No one should be allowed to attack my economy like this!”

President Trump insisted that “while the stock market is so volatile,” it should remain former President Obama’s “baby.”

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no! This is his baby! He owns it now,” Trump shouted. “He owns it! Not me! So you know who to blame this November if the economy is in a deep recession. BLAME OBAMA. You should still know how to do that. A lot of you blamed Obama for literally everything for eight years! Just do that again!”

President Trump warned Obama, however, that ownership of the stock exchanges will change hands again at some point down the line.

“He can have them! He can have the markets,” Trump insisted. “But as soon as they start going up again, they’re mine.”

The markets continued their roller coaster ride today, starting out up over 900 points, but losing that rally by mid-day.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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