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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Trump’s Aborted Fetuses to Speak at Pro-Choice Rally

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The aborted fetuses of President Donald J. Trump have announced they will be attending and speaking at a pro-choice rally in the nation’s capital over the weekend.

When word broke that Trump had decided to become the first sitting president to participate in the “March For Life,” an annual anti-abortion protest rally, the fetuses that he has personally paid to abort got together and decided there needed to be some sort of counteracting moment. They got together and used a Facebook group for fetuses that could have been the offspring of Donald Trump, called, “Dodging a Bullet Thanks to Abortion” to plan their move. According to the spokesperson for the fetuses, it was decided among them that Trump’s “personal experience with abortion” had to be “put out there” in order to “broadcast his rank and truly obvious hypocrisy.”

Mr. Trump, who once called himself “very pro-choice,” has until now addressed the group only remotely and welcomed some marchers at the White House. (Failing New York Times)

“As a group, we know firsthand how unbelievably disingenuously pious that gelatinous sack of hypocrisy is when he acts like a pious Christian,” Fetus 12 told reporters this morning as it announced the group’s participation in the pro-choice rally. “As grateful as we all are to never have had to be related to Donald Jr, we still felt the truth about his father had to be exposed. The man lies like he breathes. He pretends to be someone he’s not, because if he didn’t, there’s no way those gullible evangelicals would remotely be able to stomach him. Of course, the irony here is that if he’d simply let some of our would-be mother’s stomach him, he wouldn’t have had to pay to abort any of us.”

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Fetus 12 said that he and his fellow Trump abortions “will always heave a sigh of relief” whenever they think of how they could’ve ended up as one of Trump’s sons or daughters. In particular, Fetus 12 says they’re all extremely happy to never be his daughter. 

“What if we’d come out looking as good to him sexually as Ivanka? Can you imagine how bad that would be for any of us,” Fetus 12 asked rhetorically. “A lifetime of fending off sexual advances from your father? Thanks, but no thanks. We’d much rather be aborted, for sure.”

If they couldn’t have been the abortions that President Trump paid to have, Fetus 12 says that most of his fellow Trump fetuses would have liked to have a life similar to one of his other children, but not anything like his three eldest.

“If we couldn’t be aborted, most of us would have hoped to be a lot like Tiffany or Barron,” Fetus 12 said. “You know, largely ignored by that porcine, whining douchebag. If you have to be Trump’s offspring, better you be one of the ones he doesn’t acknowledge or knows exists than one he’d be tempted to fuck, know what I mean?”

Many of his fellow aborted Trump fetuses have expressed an interest in joining the pro-choice rally this weekend, however it hasn’t been determined yet how many of them will deliver a speech.

“The truth is, a lot of us literally don’t have the ability to speak. Maybe we’ll just be put into jars and set on the podium so everyone can see us,” Fetus 12 hinted. “We’re not sure. But anything we do say will basically just hammer home the point that the guy who has paid for more abortions than Big Macs in his life has absolutely no place taking a stand against abortion. And again, I cannot reiterate enough how extremely fortunate all of us feel to have been conceived in a post-Roe world, where we could be spared the humiliation and indignity of being a Trump child.”

There has been no word yet if Donald Jr or Eric Trump will join their aborted siblings. However, Fetus 12 said they “hope not.”

“I mean, I get it. Their dad certainly wishes he’d aborted them. When you hear either one of them talk, you can almost sympathize with the president,” Fetus 12 admitted. “But if you’re asking me if I think Don Jr or Eric will come out to the rally with us? I certainly hope not.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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