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Monday, December 5, 2022

Tucker Carlson Claims FBI Was Behind January 6th, Pearl Harbor, 9/11, and Obama’s Tan Suit

Last night, Tucker Carlson told his Fox News audience, without providing any proof, that the FBI was in some way related to the January 6th domestic terror attack on the capitol. During a radio interview today, Carlson not only reiterated his claims, he went on to accuse the FBI coordinating or “being involved with” every single attack on American soil, since the country’s birth.

Speaking on WKKK-AM to host Chip Chatterly, Carlson laid into the FBI, accusing it of being behind everything from Pearl Harbor to 9/11, and even the infamous tan suit worn by former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) one day.

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“We all remember what a horrific attack on traditional American values that suit was, don’t we, Chip? As if helping to plan and carry out 9/11 and Pearl Harbor weren’t enough,” Carlson whined, “the FBI goes and helps Obama pick the suit out! They took him to Men’s Warehouse for goodness’ sake, Chip!”

Chatterly asked Carlson what made him believe these things, and Carlson laughed that unhinged and yet extremely performative, forced laugh his audience loves so much.

“Well, for starters, I’m a rich white heir and trust fund baby. In this country, whatever I choose to believe is, therefore, fact,” Carlson said after letting his own fake laughter die down. “But also? Who cares if I have evidence? We have dozens of millions of Americans who believe whatever I say, simply because I feed them a steady diet of the politically-charged rhetoric they’ve been conditioned to agree with! I can tell them that the FBI was started by Satan himself and these people would believe me.”

Carlson promised to have “all the experts” on his show tonight to discuss his theory further.

“I mean ALL the experts, too Chip. The MyPillow Guy, Marjorie Taytay Greene’s crack dealer, all of them,” Tucker said. “The experts. They’re gonna tell me why I’m not only right, but should probably get some kind of prize for being so right. You’re not gonna want to miss tonight’s show, Chip!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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