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Wednesday, May 31, 2023

Tucker Carlson: “It’s Not Racist If I Call Them The N-Word In My Head”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Right-wing pundit and Fox News lead white supremacy anchor Tucker Carlson told a talk radio host this morning that he’s “sick and tired” of being called a white supremacist “just because racist words come out of [his] mouth.”

“I’ve had it up to the point of my hood with these baseless attacks on my character,” Carlson told W-KKK’s Nate Bedford during morning drive time today, “and frankly, the simple fact is that if they never hear me calling them racial epithets, then for all intents and purposes I’m not racist.”

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Carlson shocked Mr. Bedford when he said that he was incorrect to classify white supremacy was a “hoax” last week.

“I should’ve said, ‘White supremacy is awesome and the idea that it’s somehow bad for America or western society is a hoax,'” Carlson explained. “I mean, were whites not the supreme race in this country when we won the Revolutionary War? Were we not the dominant race when the Constitution was written? Seems to me like white supremacy was the way America got great in the first place, thanks to all the free labor from the blacks and Chinese. But who had the smarts to reduce their labor costs so much? That’s right, we whites.”

Mr. Carlson admits that he thinks “blacks are just by nature more poor and violent” and that “whites just figured it out first and better,” but that he hasn’t “done the one thing that racists do.”

“I’ve never called anyone the n-word. Out loud. I mean, sure, I’ve done it in my head every time an uppity one is standing in line at the grocery store before me, and I want to cut in line because I’m white and they won’t let me,” Carlson said, “or when I just, you know, see one being all urban-y and not showing full respect for my white accomplishments.”

If people of color never hear him use racial epithets, Carlson figures that means he’s “not really racist.”

“If a tree falls in the woods, is fashioned into a cross, lit on fire, and put in my URBAN neighbor’s yard, but no one’s around to catch me, does that make me racist? Of course not,” Tucker said. “Likewise, it’s not racist if I call them the n-word in my head!”

Since Carlson’s declaration that white supremacy and white nationalism are a hoax, there have been calls to boycott his shows’ sponsors. Carlson waves those threats off.

“What, you think I can’t find other sponsors? I happen to know of a very prestigious, historic organization that said they’ll be a permanent sponsor of my show,” Carlson announced, “and let’s just say I know I can trust this klan’s word. I’m sure I’m white about this one.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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