WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s been a longstanding tradition in America for the sitting president to “pardon” a turkey in the week leading up to Thanksgiving. However, this year the condemned gobbler has issued a statement “passing” on a presidential pardon from Donald Trump because it didn’t want to be “associated with the kinds of d-bag and a-holes” Trump has already pardoned.
“Thanks, but, no thanks,” Sir Waddleneck Magilicuddy’s lawyer wrote in an official declination of the pardon this weekend. “While we are grateful for the offer, Mr. Magilicuddy would rather be killed, plucked, gutted, carved, and eaten than be associated with Dinesh D’Souza, Joe Arpaio, or Scooter Libby.”
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Since taking office, Trump has raised eyebrows with how he’s used the powers of a presidential pardon, and with who he has decided to pardon. People like D’Souza, who was convicted of felony campaign finance fraud, and former George W. Bush crony “Scooter” Libby have been on the list, as well as disgraced former Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Arpaio was convicted of continuing to racially profile Hispanic people in his state, even after a federal court ordered him to stop. Mr. Trump has also been accused of dangling presidential pardon powers over people who might have damning testimony to give about him, either during the Mueller probe, or the current impeachment investigation against him in the House of Representatives.
Mr. Waddleneck’s attorney released a statement this morning, profusely thanking “His Royal Highness Trump” for the chance to be pardoned by “such masculine, if not extremely tiny hands.” However, Waddleneck believes that Trump “may want to save some pardons for himself” and would “rather be dropped in a hot, boiling pot of oil and deep fried to death” than be associated with a Trump pardon.
“Much like someone using him to wipe their ass after having explosive diarrhea,” Waddleneck’s attorney writes, “my client has no desire to be stained by this president’s pardon, and will willingly accept his horrifying, if not delicious, fate.”
Mr. Waddleneck’s lawyer wrote that because his client “isn’t racist,” there isn’t a need for him to get a pardon from Trump, anyway.
“My client isn’t racist, isn’t a history-revising propagandizing sack of shit, and generally not the kind of boot licking douchebag that the president likes to pardon and/or hang around,” Waddleneck’s lawyer writes. “The kinds of people who get Trump pardons are not the kinds of people Sir Waddleneck wants to be associated with. So, honestly, the thought of being named in the same breath as Dinesh or Arpaio is enough to make him choose a pretty spectacularly painful and denigrating way to die.”
Reportedly, Mr. Trump was outraged when he was made aware of Sir Waddleneck’s plans to decline the presidential pardon. Speaking to reporters on the front lawn of the White House, acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney relayed Trump’s message of anger and disdain, between bites of nacho cheese dipped chocolate croissants.
“Look, you piece of shit asshole fuckface libtards in the press — who we totally and utterly respect of course — have to help us get a very simple message out,” Huckabee said. “That message is that this jerk turkey — a jerky if you will, and speaking of which, please bring me some beef jerky pronto — just committed what we feel is the most egregious act of disrespect and disloyalty ever shown to a president, and we have a very sad president bawling his eyes out on the toilet, tweeting and crying, so I hope that jerky feels good about this…WHERE IS MY BEEF FUCKING JERKY?!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.