SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Last week, former one term, twice-forever impeached President Donald J. Trump filed paperwork in court demanding that social media giant Twitter reactivate his account. Twitter disabled Trump’s account following the January 6th domestic terrorist attack on the nation’s capitol the day Congress met to certify Trump’s loss to then-candidate Joe Biden.
While many observers dismissed Trump’s lawsuit, and cast doubt on his chances of prevailing, a new development seems to indicate at the very least it motivated Jack Dorsey’s micro-blogging site into action. This morning, Dorsey, Twitter’s CEO, issued a public letter to Trump, offering to reactivate his account and the more than 80 million bots, white nationalists, incestuous sons and daughter of the confederacy, and others who followed him.
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However, Dorsey’s offer was contingent on three conditions which Trump would have to agree to, in order to get his account back.
“Mr. Trump, after long debate and consideration, Twitter is prepared to offer you a chance to reactivate your account,” Dorsey wrote. “However, you will need to agree, in writing, and in advance, to three conditions, which are absolutely essential and if you do not agree, this offer is null and void.”
Dorsey’s first condition — Trump’s character limit would be drastically different than the rest of Twitter’s user community. The former president would only be allowed to tweet one character for each of his IQ points.
“We believe you’ll be able to do a lot less damage with less than a dozen characters at a time, while also acknowledging the ability of the members of your death cult of personality to glean bullshit from your words no matter how garbled, mangled, or few you use,” Dorsey wrote. “Which means we will still keep a tight leash on what you tweet, and if we sense that you’re sending coded messages to your more domestic terrorist-y of acolytes, we will shut your shit down, again. For good this time.”
Next, Dorsey insisted that as a condition of his account’s restoral, Trump would have to admit that he lost the 2020 presidential election.
“We understand this is a big, big ask. It will cut off a pipeline of grift that you’ve established, milking easily duped morons into contributing to more and more useless and fraudulent audits of the election,” Dorsey admitted. “However, we will not allow our site to be used as anything other than what it was intended for — coddling and verifying actual white supremacist terrorists while kicking comedians off for calling Ann Coulter the racist cunt she is. It will not be used to destroy democracy…unless and until we figure out how profitable that might be.”
Mr. Dorsey’s third condition would require Trump to do something that heretofore nobody has managed to get him to acquiesce to. Trump would be asked to stop wanting to fuck his own daughter.
“Finally, Mr. Trump, and we know that this might force you to make the most monumentally difficult decision of your life, but I’m afraid we simply must do it,” Dorsey wrote. “In order to get your account back, you’ll need to stop saying creepy things about Ivanka’s body, and more importantly, stop lusting after your own crotch fruit like a disgusting pile of pig shit in ill-fitting suit pants that highlight the loaded adult diaper they’re actually trying to conceal.”
UPDATE: Since this story was first published, former President Trump has responded to Twitter’s demands, and it appears he will remain off the social media site for some time to come.
“Dear Jack Tweeter,” Trump wrote back angrily, “I was all set to agree to your terms, until I saw the third one. Nobody, and I mean nobody will keep me from wanting to cram my mangled toadstool into the only hole in Ivank’s body that doesn’t spew toxically vapid bullshit. You can stuff your demands, because once Mike Lindell and Sasquatch restore me to the throne, I will simply reactivate it myself, using presidential powers I’ll make up right there on the spot.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.