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Sunday, September 25, 2022

TX Man Unsure Whether to Let Cousin Die From Complications or Sue Her For Getting Abortion

SHITLIP, TEXAS — Bill Williamson has found himself in some rather unforeseen circumstances before, but he told us during a recent Skype interview that what he’s going through now is “literally Hell on Earth,” and he’s unsure how it will resolve itself.

Williamson and his wife, Helen, have been expecting their fourth child together since she took a pregnancy test two months back, and it was positive. Bill tells us they were both “thrilled and ecstatic” and were so excited about planning for their next child that they agreed on a date to attempt conception “without any hesitation.”

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“Something told us there would be magic in the air during our family reunion,” Bill told us. “So at one point, we snuck off behind the barn and did it. Helen’s always been my favorite cousin, but when we make a baby together, she’s my favorite person, family or not. I can’t help but feel that’s exactly how God wanted it to be, too.”

Their jubilation did not last very long, though. By the time Helen had her second ultrasound, her doctor informed her she was showing signs of an ectopic pregnancy. The complications from ectopic pregnancies are so great, and the chance of survival for the fetus is so small, that usually they are terminated either surgically or with drugs. Helen and Bill are Texans, though, which only adds another layer of confusion and anxiety.

“My cousin could die if we don’t abort this pregnancy. On the other hand, we don’t want to be law breakers,” Bill explained. “Then there’s the whole thing about that $10,000 reward. I could sure as hell use ten grand. So it’s like, I either gotta take the risk of Helen dying, or I gotta let her get an abortion and then sue her. Talk about a tough situation.”

Bill said he plans to make a decision “pretty soon.” We asked if we could talk to Helen about the situation, and Bill declined on her behalf

“We’re talking about abortion here,” Bill explained, “so I’m not sure we even need to get a woman’s perspective on this anyway.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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