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Thursday, September 21, 2023

President Says UFC Crowd Booed Hillary for Not Being There For Them to Boo

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, President Donald J. Trump attended an Ultimate Fighting Championship match in New York City.

Also in attendance were Trump’s smartest son named Eric, and House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who is one of Trump’s loudest and strongest allies in Congress. As Democrats in the lower chamber continue their seemingly unstoppable march toward impeachment, McCarthy has been unflinching and unwavering in his support for the president, despite mounting evidence that he used the power of his office to withhold foreign aid to Ukraine until they agreed to help him dig up dirt on Joe Biden and his son Hunter. Mr. Trump is known for holding “MAGA” rallies in places where he’s most popular, filling the venues with as many of his supporters as possible, and doing what most comedy experts call “hacky, open mic crowd work” for an hour and a half. 

“Trump kills every time though, for sure,” career comedian Shecky McMichaels told us via Skype this morning. “It’s clear he knows the value of a friendly house. Which makes it pretty baffling when he chooses to go to the World Series or a UFC championship match, knowing he can’t control the crowd makeup like he can at his klan rallies.”

New York City Real Estate Values Have Tripled Since Trump Announced He Left

What makes Trump’s choice of Saturday night activity even more confounding is the fact that it took place in New York City. Perhaps before he was president, it wouldn’t be so odd to find Trump in the Big Apple; that’s where he called home mostly his entire life. But just a couple of days ago, Mr. Trump announced in a huff on Twitter that — because he felt so disrespected by what aides say he’d later call New York’s “flagrant and gross attempt and accountability for crimes” they think he may have committed in his business and charity dealings — he was leaving New York entirely. Trump said back in September he officially filed paperwork declaring his place of residence Mar-A-Lago, his South Florida luxury resort.

“I can understand when the most deeply unpopular president of all time doesn’t go out much. And I can understand when he orchestrates big book and cross burnings in red states,” McMichaels explained, “but he had to know going into New York City was a bad idea, didn’t he? Dude lost the entire state by almost 30 points to Hillary in 2016, and I’m not sure he was chosen unanimously by his own kids!”

Just like when he attended Game 5 of the World Series between the Washington Nationals and the Houston Astros a week and a half ago, Trump was assailed with a chorus of boos when he entered Madison Square Garden, the host venue for the fight. The chorus of booing was posted to Twitter by some who were in attendance. 

Though some of Trump’s loudest defenders tried to spin the moment as a net positive for him, the fact remains that clip after clip posted from the UFC fight show him being roundly jeered. Even Trump’s third most intelligent son he’s legally responsible for, Donald Jr, tried his best to posit the moment as a good one for his father. Ultimately, within the thread of his very own tweet, Trump Jr was given ample evidence he was incorrect.

Though he himself is a “verified” Twitter personality and has the very same “blue check” by his name that others do, Donald Trump Jr. blasted Twitter users for “the bullshit” story of Trump being booed. However, video after video has surfaced showing the overwhelming majority of sounds directed at his father were not positive or supportive.

While waiting on the White House lawn this morning for a helicopter ride to the donut shop nearby, President Trump agreed to shout answers to reporters’ questions at them for a few minutes. He was asked about being booed at two separate sporting events recently. Mr. Trump didn’t seem too concerned about the booing.

“Firstly, in the case of the baseball fans, I’ve already a) ordered them deported and b) Kellyanne Conway explained to everyone that they were mostly alternative cheering me,” Trump shouted angrily. “As for the UFC thing, the FAKE NEWS BOB MUELLER NERVOUS NANCY ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE PRESS aren’t giving the American people the whole story. Yes people were booing rather loudly last night, but they were booing Hillary! They were booing Crooked Ass Hillary!”

Perhaps sensing some disbelief, Trump explained his thinking further.

“I was told, and this was by people who are paid lots of money by me so why would they in any way be biased? Anyway, I was told that all the people who were booing where booing Crooked for not being there,” Trump yelled. “That’s really it. Very simple. They were booing her for being so crooked and cowardly, not showing up there to be booed. So it was like a boo on top of a boo. Really, if you think about it the way I just said, and no other way at all, you could see how she was double booed, which was way more than the single boo I got at the baseball game.”

Farting, Trump continued to explain himself. 

“Everyone knows there’s no reason, no reason at all to boo me. I’m everyone’s favorite president, remember,” Trump insisted. “Why would all these people I surround myself with to tell me things I want to hear lie to me? That’s illogical. So, clearly, they were right and everyone there was either cheering me or booing Crooked Hillary. That’s it. That’s the story. Stop writing anything else. I don’t know why you press jerks think you have freedom to print whatever you want, but that’s gonna stop really, really soon.”

Trump farted one more time, this time in the reporter pool’s direction, and then ran off toward the helicopter waiting for him. As it took off, Trump could be seen leaning out the window, giving everyone what looked like the middle finger. From that distance, and given his hands’ sizes, however, it’s still unclear exactly what he was doing. 

This week, Trump will host the Nationals at the White House, but the team’s closer has already declined the invitation, stating he’ll skip the visit because of Trump’s “divisive rhetoric.”

Trump Orders Washington Nats And Their Fans Deported ‘Back To Maple Mexico’

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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