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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Progressives to Build ‘Underground Handmaid’s Railroad’ Connecting Texas to Blue States

In Texas, soon it will be illegal for a woman to get an abortion after the point of erection. Already, the state’s law banning the procedure after six weeks has gone into effect because the Supreme Court declined to step in and block its implementation, but Republicans in the Lone Star State have already vowed to, in the words of State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen “claw Texan women back into the Biblical Age, where they belong.”

“For far too long, women in this state have operated under the misguided notion that the host organism is as important as the parasite feeding off it,” Thompaulsen told reporters this morning. “It’s time for us to remember that Jesus Christ almighty and his papa, you know, GOD? They want every jizz shot to be protected and coddled until it becomes a fully formed human baby.”


Just as conservatives in the state are gearing up to institute their version of Christian Sharia Law, however, progressives in Texas and throughout the rest of the states are reportedly already hard at work on a way to mitigate the impact of the new abortion restrictions. According to Karen Von Sorosheim, President of Choice Action Now, a pro-abortion rights group, there is a new travel network being established that she hopes will shepherd women out of Texas and into the nearest state where “women are still allowed to have human dignity and make personal medical decisions for themselves.”

“The Underground Handmaid’s Railroad will do one thing, and one thing only,” Von Sorosheim announced today. “It will get women who still want to have control over their own bodily functions and reproductive decisions out of Texas and into a state that still exists in the twenty-first century.”

Von Sorosheim says her group is working with several blue state legislatures to create a “Y’all Qaeda refugee program” for women who want to live free from religious oppression in “shit hole states.”

“We are committed to helping desperate women flee religious persecution, no matter where it comes from,” Von Sorosheim explained. “We helped rescue hundreds of women from the Taliban, and this is truly no different.”

Von Sorosheim expects the first flights carrying Y’all Qaeda refugees will leave Texas in the coming days. Gov. Abbott has vowed to station National Guard troops at the airports, aiming their weapons at any airplane carrying pregnant Texans.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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