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Monday, June 5, 2023

Vape Company Giving Guns Away With Their Products to Avoid Regulation

A California company that produces vaporizing products for sale in the state has chosen to begin a new promotion in hopes of sidestepping new regulations on their industry, which are expected to be imposed by the Trump administration in the coming weeks. The White House announced yesterday that it was strongly considering a ban on flavored, non-tobacco vape products in response to a recent spate of lung-related illnesses that seem to be related to vaping.

Speaking to reporters, Carl Sherman, president of VapeyWapey, announced that starting next week, everyone who purchases one of his companies THC-based vape products will receive a free firearm. The company’s CEO told the media and shareholders in a conference call today that he and his fellow executives decided on the promotion because “Americans apparently think guns are safer” than his products. Sherman calls this notion “ludicrous.”

“While we of course understand the need to protect the public health and prevent kids from using our products,” Sherman told the press, “we also think it’s beyond ridiculous that our products have been used for years without any issue, suddenly six people die, and the government will bolt right into action. Yet, when first graders are mowed down at Sandy Hook, seven years later? Zip. Zilch. Nada.”

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Sherman said he made the decision to give away guns with his vapes to try and protect his employees and the industry he’s worked so hard to establish.

“It’s funny, you’d think that pro-free market conservatives would be very much so in favor of my business taking off, since in order to do so the government would have to stop intruding in the personal choices of adult Americans everywhere,” Sherman sighed, “but I haven’t heard a single peep out of a Republican congressman about Trump banning my business. I know it’s a cannabis business, but this is 2019. Can’t we be reasonable here?”

Mr. Sherman says that VapeyWapey will be giving away semi-automatic rifles, likely the AR-15, as part of the promotion.

“We’re giving away AR-15s because they’ve killed more kids than our products have, and the feds don’t seem to care,” Sherman said. “We’re hopeful if we package our vape carts with an AR-15, most Republicans won’t be able to see our product because of their gun boner will be in the way.”

While he admits that the cost of this promotion will be “ludicrous, outrageous, and insane,” Sherman says he’s considering the outlays of capital on securing the guns an investment in his company and the industry. 

“What’s a few billion bucks to save a pioneering company out on the edge of a burgeoning market,” Sherman asked rhetorically. “Besides, we sell weed-related products. It’s kind of a license to print money. We’ll recoup it.”

Some marijuana strains already have names like “AK-47,” and so Sherman says he hopes to create promotions specifically around such strains. He also said there’s one more key aspect to his business strategy going forward.

“We’ll sell our products to anyone of any race, color, creed, or nationality,” Sherman said. “But we won’t let a single person of color be photographed buying or using them, because whether its guns or drugs, white Americans really don’t like dark-skinned color people having what they have.”

There is no constitutional amendment that specifically promises the right to own a vape cartridge like there is for firearms, and that’s another reason VapeyWapey is doing the gun-based promotion.

“Hey, it’s 2019, so you’d think that intelligent adults could admit that there’s both a need for citizens to protect their own lives,” Sherman stated, “and for them to be allowed to use whatever drugs they want to, as long as they’re adults and know the risks involved. But apparently, elitist, white, land owning, slave holding dudes that have been dead a couple hundred years or so know more than me. So there’s that.”

The White House did not respond or comment to this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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