WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the last few days, Vice President Mike Pence and his relationship with President Donald Trump have been placed under a media microscope. A report in The New Yorker relayed a few stories of interactions between the men, during their transition into control of the Executive Branch, that seemed to indicate that Trump doesn’t fully respect Pence’s religiously conservative views. In one story, Trump jokes that Pence shouldn’t be asked about marriage equality because the vice president wants to hang every homosexual in the country.
The legal scholar had said that, if the Supreme Court did so, many states would likely legalize abortion on their own. “You see?” Trump asked Pence. “You’ve wasted all this time and energy on it, and it’s not going to end abortion anyway.” When the conversation turned to gay rights, Trump motioned toward Pence and joked, “Don’t ask that guy—he wants to hang them all!” (The New Yorker)
This morning, at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital, Vice President Pence tried to offer some nuance and clarification to the story about Trump’s joke.
“The president is a good man,” Pence said, “but I don’t think he quite heard me correctly. I said I hope all the gays are well hung.”
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A smattering of small talk could be heard among the breakfast attendees. Pence, sensing a slight change in the mood in the room, attempted to add even further clarification. Small beads of sweat could be seen starting to form on his temples.
“It’s just, you know, every guy wants to have a big baby making stick,” Pence explained, “and even though the gays aren’t going to make babies when they engage in their sinful, if not completely tantalizing homogaysex, I still have a heart people! I want them to enjoy the sex that God gave them, even if he gave them evil sex that’s tempting, but should be avoided at all costs!”
Still the congregation didn’t quite follow Pence’s reasoning; he persisted.
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“Look, it’s like this, you see,” Pence kept going, “I think about butt stuff a lot. Like, I prolly think about butt sex more than people who are currently engaging in butt sex. Not because I’m, you know, one of THEM, NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Because if you’re going to solve any problem, you have to study it. You have to get down on your hands and knees, and get as close to it as you can. And because I get myself so focused on gay sex, I know homosexuals, like straight men, want to have big penile organs, that’s what I’m saying.”
At this point, members of the congregation started shrugging and going back to their breakfasts, or simply getting up and leaving. Pence started speaking more hurriedly, urging people not to leave until they heard him out completely.
“Please, just let me keep explaining,” Pence said, “I’m sure at some point I’ll stumble onto something that makes sense and doesn’t mean I want to literally kill gay people. I don’t want to kill gay people, not literally. Just figuratively. Legally. With a hostile justice system.”
For several more minutes, Pence spluttered and wiped sweat from his brow. He would later tell aides, sources say, that he never quite recovered or was able to explain himself fully. However, he said he will keep “studying with deep intensity and curiosity” issues facing the LGBTQ community and will come up with “creative solutions” for the various issues they face.
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.