WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Toadstool Phallus assured a nervous and worried American electorate this morning that reports of his attempts to collude with the new president of the Ukraine are being “taken completely out of context” and that they have nothing to worry about because he’s “not cheating on” Russian President Vladimir Putin.
“First of off, let me say I hear you all, okay? I hear your worries, and I hear your anxieties,” Trump told reporters. “But let me assure you that you all have no reason to worry about me. I’m not cheating on Vlad in any way, shape, or form. We have an open relationship and he told me he loves to watch me seek collusion with other foreign leaders because it really turns him on.”
The president said that he’s already spoken to Putin, who said that he doesn’t want to make Trump feel “pressured” or “smothered.” The Russian president reportedly assured Trump he’s “not the jealous type.”
“He said it gives him a little thrill to see me doing it with other countries. Besides, he told me he’s got all kinds of stooges in all kinds of countries, so he doesn’t need to get super-focused on just one,” Trump said. “It’s honestly kinda hot the way he doesn’t care that much about me. It makes me want him more, if I’m being totally honest with you all now.”
Mr. Trump, was speaking to reporters as he left the White House to go on a deep fried hot dog and doughnut sandwich run — his typical presidential mid-morning snack. Mr. Trump claimed that he doesn’t understand why “anyone would even care about the Ukraine thing.” Citing the Mueller Report and Attorney General Bill Barr’s summary of it, Trump said that “any American who is shocked” by him colluding with foreign governments is “keeping themselves in the dark.”
“What did you think the whole point of getting my close, personal attorney William Barr to step in and put his thumb on the scale was, anyway,” Trump asked chidingly. “Of course I’m going to do it again. And again. And again. This is how winners win. They cheat and abuse their power. Duh. Pretty sure at least half of the teams who have won the Super Bowl cheated. Hell, the North won the Civil War by cheating because they had more resources, arms, and soldiers to fight! Cheating is good! Cheating is American! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a deep fried hot dog sandwich to inhale.”
Trump ran off, farting along the way.
Over in the rotunda, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was made aware of Trump’s latest, most brazen attempt to flout election laws and norms. Pelosi, upon hearing the news, began crying. She sobbed and wept for a good, solid minute and a half, or more. Speaker Pelosi, while crying, would pause and look up to the sky. She would sigh a deep sigh, every so often. Pelosi tried to speak a few times, but had to stop, holding a finger up, and asking the press to be patient with her while she collected her thoughts.
“This is terrible. We are watching, in real time, the wholesale destruction of all sense of normalcy, decency, and fairness,” Pelosi said. “I daresay, this man is the biggest, most reckless threat to our peace and stability in a lifetime. I am shocked, appalled, and devastated that members of his own party won’t do anything to hold him accountable.”
A plucky young reporter stuck her hand up.
“Speaker Pelosi? What about what you’re willing to do? Doesn’t the Constitution grant sole impeachment powers to Congress, and aren’t you in fact the leader of the half of Congress that begins impeachment proceedings,” the reporter asked.
This time, it was Pelosi’s turn to fart as she thought.
“Im-im-peach? I’m sorry dear, but maybe you’re new, being so young and not as experienced at playing inconsequential 4-D political theater chess, like I am,” Pelosi said, patting the reporter on her head. “Just don’t worry, dear. Mama Nancy knows best.”
The reporter tried to ask a follow-up. Pelosi immediately hushed her up.
“Ah-ah-ah. Nope. No need to say more words. Mama Nancy has spoken,” Pelosi said. “Mama Nancy has spoken. Okay, goodbye know. I have to go practice my furtive expression to make sure it fully belies how little actual effort I’m willing to exert to help rid the White House of this cancer called Donald Trump. Toodles, plebs!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.