WASHINGTON, D.C. — There are two things that sources say are roiling President Donald Trump’s emotions, hours after Election Day drew to a close. Those two things? Votes and math.
“The president is understandably angry at both votes and math this morning,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters. “He feels it’s very unfair of them to gang up on him. It’s bad enough people were allowed to vote against him, but then when the number of votes started piling up, President Trump became justifiably angry about numbers in general, but specifically that they add-up and stuff.”
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The president’s legal counsel issued a stern warning to jurisdictions still counting votes: don’t.
“Any and all municipalities should be very aware of the fact that continuing to count votes because they were cast is a flagrant and dangerous insult to the president’s ego,” a letter sent to all fifty states said, “and we will have no problems suing the living balls out of you for continuing to hurt his feelings like this.”
This afternoon, after aides shoveled his second lunch down his throat, Trump was seen pacing around the White House driveway angrily farting. Trump was blasting “numbers” for “going too high” and the very paradigm of votes themselves.
“People voted for Biden AND those votes HAVE to be counted? What a stupid country. I’m sorry, what a STUPID country,” Trump howled. “Why is math such a fucking Never-Trumper? Would it kill math to make 3 more than 15 every now and then?”
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Balls), fresh off a hard fought reelection bid of his own, told reporters he’s willing to have the Senate Judiciary committee “look into” whether or not votes and/or math should be made illegal in the United States.
“Quite frankly, I’ve always wondered if the Founders really intended people to vote,” Graham explained, “and even they did want people to vote, did they really want us to count all the ballots? And that all brings up a very important question — who cares even if they did? I believe we have a duty to make it so that both math and votes never hurt our Dear President’s feelings again.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.