WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, President Trump dropped quite a bombshell on the American people. After holding a roundtable discussion with business leaders on the response to COVID-19, Trump answered questions from reporters, including one about the anti-malarial drug hydroxychloroquine. During his somewhat rambling response, Trump announced that he had begun a regimen of the drug himself, in case he did contract the novel coronavirus.
According to many outlets, Trump has uttered at least somewhat untrue statements more than 18,000 times since taking office. Because of his on-again/off-again relationship with truth and reality, many wondered if Trump was just once again not being forthright when he stated that he’s taking hydroxychloroquine. However, it would appear that the public won’t have to wonder much longer about this particular subject.
“On the issue of whether or not Dear President was telling the truth about taking hydroxychloroquine,” White House Chief Propagandist Kayleigh McEnany told reporters this morning, “of course he’s telling the truth. This man is literally incapable of lying. Even when he says something that isn’t true, it’s true in his mind, which according to Attorney General Barr is the only legal standard that matters as long as he’s president, which we intend to look into making a permanent thing, given how happy 30% of the country is to watch everything burn both figuratively and quite literally.”
McEnany said that “as long as Americans understand what the president’s hydroxychloroquine” regimen consists of, they’ll see that he’s “100% telling the truth as far as he’s aware of it.”
“As we all know, hydroxychloroquine is very probably the exact miracle drug we’ve been waiting for while the president’s own serpentine sludge cure is tested by the FDA,” McEnany explained. “But since there are some side effects that could be harmful, when President Trump requested he be put on the drug after everyone around him started testing positive for COVID-19, White House doctors determined the best course of action was a placebo.”
Doctors and medical staff decided that they’d grill up six cheeseburgers every day at the same time, and serve them to President Trump, calling the burgers “hydroxychloroquine” in the process. This way, McEnany said, the president would “feel like a big, strong, burly, brave man,” and the White House staff would be confident they weren’t accidentally killing a head of state with an untested pharmaceutical. Ever since then, Trump has been eating six cheeseburgers every day and calling them his hydroxychloroquine prescription.
Ms. McEnany was asked about whether the president’s medical team is concerned about the long-term effects of him eating so many cheeseburgers every day. McEnany answered that the president “started with such a strong base of health, vim, and vigor,” that he can afford to eat three times as many burgers daily without any detrimental health effects.
“Of course, this president is the most healthy president of all time, so that’s a really stupid question and you should prolly be shot for asking it,” McEnany began, “but truly, this president started with such a strong base of health, vim, and vigor, that he could eat eighteen cheeseburgers a day and it would make him, if anything, healthier!”
President Trump plans to continue his hydroxychloroquine prescription for the rest of his life, McEnany divulged. However, he’s also instructed staff to begin looking into other remedies and preventative treatments for COVID-9. She gave the press a few examples of the kinds of prescriptions President Trump is looking to add to his anti-coronavirus battery.
“Provided that his hydroxychloroquine treatment continues to show such great results,” McEnany said, “he plans to move onto a whole new slew of drugs. KFC, Taco Bell, Chick-Fil-A, all of them will be asked to provide President Trump with their tastiest, most deep-fried COVID-19 drugs.”
The FDA has urged Americans not to take hydroxychloroquine outside of a hospital stay or clinical trial. It’s unclear if they’ll issue similar guidance for the cheeseburger placebo treatments as well. This story will be updated when the FDA addresses this development.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.