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Thursday, June 1, 2023

White House Correspondents’ Association Apologizes For Having Smaller Spines Than Funny Bones

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Even days after she gave it, comedian Michelle Wolf’s barn burning keynote roast at this year’s White House Correspondents Dinner is sparking dialogue, debate, and conversation all over the political spectrum.

In a twenty minute set, Wolf spared no one. She swatted at congress, Democrats, Republicans, the White House, and perhaps least expectedly — for the White House Correspondents’ Association — the press itself. Wolf lambasted the media for pretending to hate Trump, even though they may secretly love him because he helps sell their books and get them cable news ratings. One moment that seems to be getting the most attention was Wolf’s joke about Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders using the ashes of the lies she tells to give her makeup “the perfect smoky look.”

On Monday, WHCA president Margaret Talev took the unusual step of criticizing her invited guest for doing the job she hired Wolf to do.

“Last night’s program was meant to offer a unifying message about our common commitment to a vigorous and free press while honoring civility, great reporting and scholarship winners, not to divide people,” Talev said. “Unfortunately, the entertainer’s monologue was not in the spirit of that mission.” (source)

Comedians have since come out and defended Wolf vociferously, and have suggested that the WHCA should perhaps consider not hiring comedians, instead of hiring comedians and being offended when they do things that comedians are paid to do.  Seth Meyers, host of Late Night, was Wolf’s employer at one point and said that anyone who knows her knows her sense of humor is indeed caustic, but that’s not Wolf’s fault. Stephen Colbert also devoted time in his monologue to defend Wolf and criticize the pearl clutching over her performance.

This morning, Ms. Talev and the WHCA issued one more statement on Wolf’s set. The text of the statement is below.

The White House Correspondents’ Association wishes to issue a further apology and provide more clarification to all those concerned about the entertainer’s monologue this past Saturday night. First, we would like to re-iterate our first apology. We forgot to advise everyone that most of us have extremely small, almost impossible to find, funny bones. We usually operate with as little humor as possible, but we really should have made everyone, particularly the entertainer, aware of the fact that we have some of the smallest funny bones recorded to date.

To say we have no sense of humor would be an understatement. To say we have no sense of humor about ourselves would be the understatement of the century. So that is why we grew so cold to the entertainer’s material; it dared to point out to us what we are culpable for and it dared to do so in an extremely hilarious way. Well, that is to say it would be hilarious to us if we had even the foggiest idea of how comedy works, of course.

If our lack of disclosure on the funny bone front wasn’t bad enough, we also forgot to mention that we have smaller spines than funny bones! You can imagine, therefore, why we had to issue our apology yesterday. Sure, as so many have pointed out we absolutely could have, should have, and did know what kind of material the entertainer presents. However, our aforementioned lack of spines made it absolutely vital that we distance ourselves from the routine, no matter how truthful and scathing it was.

We hope you’ll forgive us, and next year give us an opportunity to put on a completely bland, uncontroversial display of self-fellatio that you’ve come to expect from us.

Terrifiedly Yours,

The White House Correspondents’ Association

Ms. Wolf could not be reached for comment.

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James‘ satire is also found on:
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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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