FORTUITO BLANCO, NORTH DAKOTA — 36 Year old Chad Biffington is a serial rapist and murderer, and he fully supports President Donald Trump’s proposal for a massive wall along the southern border, because he says he has to protect his job above all else.
“How can I not be paranoid about illegals taking my job when Trump’s out there pointing out each time one of ’em does, even if it turns out they ain’t illegal after all,” Chad asked our reporter over lunch at a local deli. “Right now I murder — and rape, frankly — way more than your average illegal Mexican. But if Democrats get their way, will it stay that way?”
Mr. Biffington, who works at the gas station two nights a week, says that American culture is under attack.
“Every day that I wake up in America without a border wall is a day that some random illegal Mexican will come over, deal drugs, rape, and murder,” Biffington said. “It’s right there on their illegal immigration forms — you have to check the box that applies to you, whether that’s rape, murder, drug dealing, or all three!”
“Sure, there’s a box for ‘good person,’ and some, I suppose, check that box, but I don’t know how many,” Chad said. “So you know what? I do think it’s in MY best interests for us to keep them out. Why are we importing serial rapists and murderers when we have so many good, clean, white, ammo-hoarding ones already here looking for work?”
Biffington laments the changing times.
“It used to mean something to be raped and murdered by someone born right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A,” Chad told us. “But I’m afraid we might run out of people for me to rape and/or murder. It’s simple supply and demand, people!”
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.