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Monday, June 5, 2023

With Mueller Statement, Pelosi Worried Trump Loyalists Won’t Vote For Dems ‘Even Harder’ After Impeachment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As he announced and tendered his resignation from the Department of Justice this morning, FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller gave his first — and what he hopes will be only — remarks on his investigation into Russian interference and possible collusion with the Trump campaign during the 2016 presidential election. Mueller, effectively reiterated what was partially revealed in his report, that he was bound by Justice Department guidelines from ever indicting Trump specifically because he’s the president. However, Mueller made it clear that his investigation in no way exonerated Trump, as Attorney General William Barr stated it had.

Many pundits and even politicians are saying now that Mueller’s press conference was, essentially, handing the responsibility of holding Trump accountable for his crimes to Congress. Mueller effectively said that the president would be charged if he were not in office, but while in office, it’s up to Congress to hold his feet to the fire. Many 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls seized on Mueller’s statement and officially called for impeachment, but Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House who can officially sanction impeachment hearings to begin, told reporters that even after Mueller’s press conference, she has doubts about impeaching President Trump.

“Look, I have to think long and hard about this, okay? What if people who never had any chance of voting for Democrats choose not to vote for Democrats this time, but, like, even harder,” Pelosi asked rhetorically. “What happens if people who are loyal to Trump even when everyone else in the country sees what a corrupt moron he is stay loyal to him? Isn’t the whole point of impeachment convincing people they made a bad choice? It can’t just seriously be about removing a dangerous psychopath from power, can it?”

Pelos said she’s “just not sure” she has all the evidence she needs to convince “people who hate my guts and think Hillary Clinton is a literal assassin” that impeachment is the right course.

“I guess I’m just worried about whether people who hate me and our party and were never going to vote for us anyway think about us,” Pelosi said. “Sure, it’s obvious as hell now that Mueller had all the evidence he needed to indict anyone else but couldn’t and we can. But I ask you, just because we have the power, the tools, and 400-page report full of evidence, does that mean we have to show courage? Can’t our words, and not our actions, be enough like always?”

Pelosi said she feels “completely torn” on the issue of impeachment.

“I’m frankly completely torn between doing something and acting like I’d really like to do something and can’t,” Pelosi said. “I understand that impeachment hearings don’t even, necessarily, have to lead to a full-blown impeachment trial. I get that we have been handed literally everything we need to impeach him, but what about those 40% of Americans who will never like me anyway? Shouldn’t I pander to people who will never vote for me because that’s better than doing the job I was literally elected to do?”

Speaker Pelosi says she’ll take the next “however the fuck long [she] wants to” and deliberate on her options.

“On the one hand, I care about our country. On the other hand, an angry minority of morons might say mean things about me if I do my job,” Pelosi said. “So I’m just not sure what exactly to do now. One thing is for sure, I can’t risk inspiring people to vote for Democrats because they’re bravely holding a lawless president accountable, regardless of the politics of it. I’m not crazy!”

This is a developing, albeit extremely frustrating, story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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