QUECHINGAS VALLEY, ARKANSAS — 56 year old Sam Kilpatrick is a descendent of Irish immigrants to the United States. Sam works at the police station as a dispatcher and has done so since retiring from the local force in 2017 with a full, early pension. Kilpatrick is also a virulent racist and the Grand Wizard of his local chapter of the Klan.
“You won’t find me apologizing for being a racist, either, so you know,” Kilpatrick told our reporter in a Skype interview, “because this is America and I got a right to be racist without apologizing for it.”
Kilpatrick told us that lately he’s been unsure of something, despite spending most of his life as a fairly confident man.
“Lately I’ve been gettin’ in these online arguments with people, I call them libtards, of course,” Kilpatrick advised, “and I just love to goad them by telling them the KKK was started by Democrats. They call us racist, which, well, obviously some of us are, but they get taken to the woodshed because the bottom line here is that they can’t deny that the klan was started by Democrats.”
But the fact the KKK was started by a Democrat, Confederate General Nathan Bedford Forrest, can be a “double edged sword for someone living in a double-wide trailer” like Sam, he told us.
“Because, well, if the klan was started by Democrats, that means it was crazy left-wing, nig*er loving Democrats who started it,” Kilpatrick said, “because you see the myth of the parties switching platforms on civil rights is just that…a myth. Sure, you can generally see that Republican candidates since the voting rights act have pretty much carried the Confederate states, but the point I’m making here is that Democrats have always been the exact same party they are now, and that’s what makes my burn on them so epic.”
Buy this shirt from our exclusive store!
However, the Democratic Party’s defense of minorities and the welfare state have Sam in quite the pickle, intellectually speaking.
“The whole reason I vote Republican is because I’m pro-white nationalism and against socialism,” Sam said, “so it hit me the other day that if I own the libs, which I always do with everything I say, and make them take responsibility for Democrats starting the klan, that means as a klan member and Republican, I’m also supporting Democrats. So now I’m thinking it might be better if I disavow the Democrats starting the KKK, but then how will I own them? Gosh, it would be a lot simpler and cleaner for me if, say, the Voting Rights Act in the 60’s was a pivotal moment for the parties and one decided to embrace civil rights while the other chose to fight it tooth and nail…but that’s not possible.”
Despite the fact that some of his friends, who have tried for years to get Sam to leave the klan, sending him information about the party’s switching platforms, Kilpatrick says his mind is completely made up on the subject.
“I don’t care what their stupid books tell them, Dinesh D’Souza told me that the parties never switched, and if he was right about Barack Obama really being Barry Soetoro and being a secret Kenyan communist Muslim, then why would he lie about this,” Kilpatrick asked emphatically. “Exactly. Checkmate, libtards.”
Another Story: New Policy Dictates Babylon Bee Staff Crucify Themselves Daily In Front Of Snopes Headquarters
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.