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Saturday, October 1, 2022

120 Republicans Vote to Make Confederate Statue Speaker of the House

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shortly after voting against the removal of all statues of confederate figures from the capitol grounds, 120 Republican members of Congress voted to make one of the statues the Speaker of the House.

“We knew it was gonna be a symbol-ish vote, because the Tyrant Nancy Pelosi insists on us holding Speaker elections according to the so-called rules of the House,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) told reporters shortly after the votes were cast. “Still, we wanted to honor Confederate President Jefferson Davis by making him our symbol-ish House Speaker. We knew our votes wouldn’t be enough, but it’s passed time that we honor one of the best presidents this country has ever seen.”

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Rep. Paul Gosar (Nazi Party-AZ) called the attempt to make the statue of Davis the Speaker a “patriotic attempt to protect our melanin-free heritage.”

“It just makes me so mad that Democrats would want to remove these statues that are the only reminders of when their party used to stand for traditional American values like separate drinking fountains and laws against the mixing of the races,” Gosar said, shedding a tear. “Back when Democrats knew the key to freedom was keeping certain, variants under our thumbs. That statue of Jeff Davis deserved a shot at leading this great body back toward the 19th century ideals we in MAGA nation hold so dear.”

Freshman Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) said she was “very confused” by both votes.

“First of off, why are we voting on removing statues before asking the people trapped inside them where they’d go if we do,” Boebert asked. “I may have barely gotten my GED just before I was elected, but even I know you have to can’t just move a statue without asking the person whose soul has been captured for their input!”

Former one term, twice permanently impeached President Donald J. Trump called the vote to remove confederate statues from the capitol a “total disgrace” in a statement he wrote in crayon and had his spokesperson tweet for him.

“I promise my glorious and wonderful MAGAs this — when I am rightfully restored to the White House on August 33rd, I will force them by presidential decree to put all the statues back,” Trump wrote, “we can lot the Democrats rob America of its statues of famous racists! Who knows if they’ll try to remove a statue of me one day, if we let them get away with this bigly attack!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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