WASHINGTON, D.C. — A delegation of elected Republicans from the year 2003 appeared on the steps of the capitol rotunda this morning, demanding that they be given time to speak in both congressional chambers. Notably, some of the members of the delegation were younger version of senators and congressmen that are still currently serving, such as 2003’s iteration Senator Lindsey Graham, who said he was “shocked and outraged” to the point of a crying fit when he found out 2020 Lindsey Graham supports the actions of President Donald J. Trump insofar as they relate to Americans protesting the murder of George Floyd by four Minneapolis police officers.
“We, the Republican members of the 103rd Congress have gathered here today, hoping to gain an audience with the current Congress,” Former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert, “because we’ve heard some troubling things about a horribly despotic ruler gassing his own people, and we think it’s time for this congress to act and to authorize the military to liberate those oppressed citizens before things get worse.”
After a short pause, Hastert added that it’s “just nice” to come back to his “old stomping/sexual assaulting grounds.”
“Who says you can’t go home,” Hastert asked rhetorically.
In 2003, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) had yet to ascend to the role of Senate Majority Leader. However, his party was in control back then, and McConnell was the majority whip. It was his job to get rank and file members of the GOP caucus to line up behind then-leader Bill Frist’s vision of the party’s direction. 2003 McConnell said that America, much like Iraq in the early 2000’s is in “desperate need of a regime change and liberation” and that he believes the U.S. military should be doing the libertating.
“When a brutal, fascist dictator starts gassing their own citizens,” 2003 McConnell explained, “it’s time to mobilize the forces of liberty against them. No matter how small that dictator’s hands nor how mangled their genitals.”
In 2003, each man standing on the capitol steps this morning supported the invasion of Iraq by the George W. Bush administration. The argument in favor of war at the time was predicated on the belief that the country had an active weapons of mass destruction program, and that former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was a barbaric, cruel, anti-American dictator who ordered the rape and gassing of his own people. The 2003 Congressional Republicans all spoke to having a similar feeling today, after watching federal authorities clear out peaceful protesters with gas and riot gear so that President Trump could have a photo op in front of St. John’s Church.
“Don’t get us wrong — we love authoritarian Republicans. We were all just saying how hard it makes us our cocks thinking about Dick Cheney’s wartime rhetoric,” 2003 Congressman Roy Blount — who is now one of Missouri’s two Republican Senators — admitted. “It’s just that any time we get word of a horrific abuse of power like this, we all believe in swift in action to liberate those people living under the yoke of tyranny!”
When told about the 2003 version of himself out on the steps of the capitol, 2020 Mitch McConnell said he would not hesitate to call the capitol police on himself. However, Senator Lindsey Graham said that he’d like to have a “sit down” with his 2003 counterpart and see if he could “make him see the light.”
“The truth is that once you start sucking, you get used to the Orange Fanta taste,” Graham said. “Once you’re used to that, you’d be surprised how easy it is for you to follow our Dear President’s commands without hesitation!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.