Tuesday, August 3, 2021

On His 75th Birthday, Trump is Reinstated

FART-A-LAGO, FLORIDA — Despite being scoffed at, ridiculed, and mocked every time he mentioned the possibility of being reinstated, it just happened. And on his 75th birthday, as luck would happen. He was just reinstated.

For the last few weeks, former one-term, twice permanently impeached President Donald Trump has insisted that he and the MyPillow Guy have everything they need to set aside last year’s election and reinstate him. During his tenure in office, Trump racked up the most verifiable lies of any president, so many probably presumed that his reinstatement was just another one of his panoply of untruths. Despite the long odds of him having any real clue what he was talking about, as of this morning, Trump has been reinstated.

GOHMERT ASKS IF EARTH’S ORBIT CAN BE CHANGED IF HE GETS OUT AND PUSHES

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Not as President of the United States, because there is literally no way for that to happen and it will not ever, ever happen, though.

“It was with great pleasure that I announce Mr. Donald Trump has been reinstated! He did it, and we all knew he’d do it,” Trump spokesperson Tom Thompaulsen tweeted this morning. “On his 75th birthday, President Trump got his playground privileges at the local McDonald’s restored, and he can now slide down the slides, ride the big Filet o’ Fish sandwich, and play in the ball pit. MAGA wins!”

Brooke Kimberly, the assistant manager of the McDonald’s closest to Trump’s Florida resort confirmed the news via email to us.

“After careful consideration, and realizing it’s his special day, we decided to let Mr. Trump back on the play set, but under some strict guidelines,” Kimberly told us. “Firstly, he needs to keep his pants and his adult diaper on at all times. Secondly, he cannot try to convince the other kids playing there to storm the capitol and reinstall him into office. Third, he must finish all his chicken nuggies and fries before play time, like a big boy.”

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Kimberly also indicated that Trump’s reinstatement can be revoked at any time, if he doesn’t follow the rules.

“Unfortunately for Mr. Trump, if he breaks our rules, there aren’t any Mitch McConnells or Ted Cruz types to shield him from consequences here,” Kimberly warned. “So for his sake, if he wants to keep using our playground, he needs to follow our rules, or he’ll get his access revoked again.”

SENATE MINORITY LEADER JOE MANCHIN STILL HOPEFUL FOR BIPARTISAN AGREEMENT WITH HIS OWN PARTY

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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