COUSINFUCKERS, ALABAMA — Women in Alabama have roughly one day to get their genitals and reproductive systems registered with the new statewide database of female sex parts that was created as part of the Yellowhammer State’s sweeping new anti-abortion law. The law, passed through the state legislature yesterday, would criminalize abortions performed at all stages of pregnancy, and seems to directly contradict established constitutional precedent in Roe Vs. Wade, the landmark 1973 decision that affirmed the right of all women to generally have sovereignty over their own vaginae.
“The people of this great state understand that while we are a nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to that proposition, we are also dedicated to letting fundies do whatever they want to other people under the guise of religious freedom,” Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told reporters this morning. “And as such, we have a moral responsibility to placate them with measures like this. Sure, my Republican colleagues and I will not bat an eyelash about flying our mistress to California to have her abortion done, but let’s not get bogged down in the weeds, folks.”
Thompaulsen says that the uterine database is “vital for protecting the rights of the unborn, and the very born morons.”
“Morons have rights too. And morons understand that just like alcohol and guns, when you put a complete ban on something, it makes it go away forever,” Thompaulsen said. “And if we’re not willing to protect every life, no matter how much it can’t be distinguished from another gestating animal, no matter how incapable it is of surviving without its host, and no matter how microscopic it is, then we’re not living in America I recognize anymore!”
According to Alabama law, women will need to register their “baby makin’ parts” with the state government and pay a licensing fee each year they live in the state. The funds will go toward abstinence-only education and adoption agencies specifically geared toward placing orphaned children with a different cousin of theirs that doesn’t happen to also be their parent. The punishment for unlawful possession of an unregistered vaginae in Alabama is now $2000 and a minimum nine month jail sentence.
“We take protecting life very seriously here in Alabama,” Thompaulsen explained. “Except, you know, when we shoot each other. And when we don’t provide a social safety net for all the forced births that will happen, putting those kids and future generations in a cycle of crippling poverty right from the start. And of course LGBTQ life, don’t care much about that. Oh, and people of color. So you know maybe we’re not pro-life, and more like, pro-forced birth but hey, you get me, fam.”
In order to build and house the database, Alabama has contracted with a fairly new company in the IT infrastructure industry — Trumputers. The company is owned and operated by President Donald Trump’s sons, Uday and Qussay. The server will be stored in the same basement that their brother-in-law Jared Kushner keeps the server that runs the Kremlin’s back channel to the president.
“We wanted to make some money off the government again,” Donald Trump Jr. said simple. “So make the monies now!”
This is a developing story.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.