Thursday, September 23, 2021

All Six People Who Saw Trump’s Tree Lighting Agree It Was “Pretty Fantastically Meh”

Last night, in the nation’s capital, President Donald Trump rang in the holiday season by taking part in the traditional Christmas tree lighting ceremony in front of the White House. Photos of the event show that quite a small crowd gathered to see Trump’s first lighting ceremony.

Most of these people thought they were seeing a Pink Floyd laser show and left when they realized that’s not what was happening.

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According to sources close to the tree lighting, most of those seated in pictures taken of the event were there by mistake.

“I thought I was here to see a Pink Floyd laser show,” one man told our reporter, and roughly four dozen other people chimed in that they were doing the same thing.

When our reporter explained to the crowd it was a Christmas tree lighting, many left, but some stayed behind. When they figured out President Trump would be lighting the tree, many more left, and by the time the tree lights came on, just six people remained. Our reporter talked to all six people.

“I would say that it was pretty fantastic…ally meh,” Susan Winterfeldt told us. “I mean, you know, sure, the tree was pretty. The lights were twinkling. But no matter how you slice it, we were watching Trump do something, which is always gross, usually boring, and only entertaining when he’s careening off the rails like a fucking moron.”

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Jack Smigglesby agreed with Susan.

“Yeah, meh. Meh is a great way to describe this lighting,” Jack told us. “Meh.”

Reached for comment, President Trump batted away reports of small crowds.

“That report is, sorry to say, very FAKE NEWS,” Trump said. “By my count, there were probably seventeen squintillion people there, real number, by the way. And if you take away the fourteen trillion illegal immigrants who voted for Hillary that were turning people away from this event, which I totally saw from the same vantage point that I saw eighteen billion Muslims in New Jersey celebrating on 9/11, then you’d have seen probably fourteen million-billion-jillion people there.”

More satire:

Trump Retweets Anthropomorphized Swastika

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