WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr wrote a letter to the judge overseeing the federal government’s case against political operative Roger Stone which was delivered just moments ago. According to sources close to the situation, Barr told the judge the Department of Justice believes Stone’s sentence should take into account the time Stone has served the president while directly underneath his testicles.
“Any crimes that Mr. Stone may or may not have committed must be balanced against the time he spent helping to hoist our Dear President Donald John Trump up onto the throne on which he rests his royal rear end,” Barr’s letter states. “Specifically, Mr. Stone spent a considerable amount of time fluffing, juggling, gargling, and shining the president’s balls during the 2016 presidential campaign. The Department of Justice does not want to contemplate a world where sucking a man’s balls like a vacuum cleaning a sofa’s cushions doesn’t come with some kind of reward later down the line.”
The DOJ had already decided to change its sentencing request of the judge in Stone’s case to drastically shorten the amount of time to be considered just hours after prosecutors in the case argued in court Stone should get up to nine years in prison. Mr. Stone, a long time Republican operative who put himself on the map doing President Richard Nixon’s dirty work, was accused of a whole host of crimes stemming from FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Russian government’s attempts to attack the 2016 election. Barr wrote today, however, that he didn’t feel it was “sufficient or adequate” to simply reduce the amount of time DOJ wanted Stone served; he wanted the judge to specifically give Stone credit for “hours and hours spent buffing the scrotum of a future world leader.”
“America is supposed to be a meritocracy, and that means rewarding people for their meritorious behavior,” Barr writes. “If playing with the future president’s balls and telling him how smart and wonderful he is doesn’t qualify as meritorious behavior, then quite frankly we probably don’t live in America anymore. Mr. Stone deserves to be treated with at least some respect for the amount of time he spent scuba diving in the future president’s crotchular zone.”
Reportedly, the president himself has taken a special interest in Stone’s case. When news broke that prosecutors had initially asked for up to nine years for Stone’s sentence, President Trump tweeted his displeasure at that decision. The DOJ has not acknowledged if his tweet played a role in their decision to ask for a lighter sentence.
This is a horrible and very unfair situation. The real crimes were on the other side, as nothing happens to them. Cannot allow this miscarriage of justice! https://t.co/rHPfYX6Vbv
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 11, 2020
A visibly agitated Trump paced around the White House lawn and yelled at reporters while he waited for a helicopter ride to his golf course.
“What is happening to Roger is a travesty. A real nightmare,” Trump proclaimed. “It seems to me like Roger is entitled to some credit for faithfully fluffing my nuts. In my country, in my United Trump States of Trumpmerica — all rights reserved, trademark pending — we don’t put good men in prison just because they broke the law and flouted the justice system and thumbed their noses at the rule of law! At least not when they also have really good tongue technique on my taint! I hereby order and demand Roger be let go, so he can join my administration. Secretary of Ratfuckery has a nice ring to it, if you ask me.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.