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Wednesday, May 31, 2023

Ben Shapiro Announces That Scott Baio and Gina Carano Will Star in “Washed-Up Star Wars”

HOLLYWOOB, CALIFORNIA — It didn’t take long for embattled alleged actress Gina Carano to find an employer. This week, Carano was officially released by LucasFilm because of her social media posts that mocked transgender rights, minimized the Holocaust, defended the violent insurrection of January 6th, and called into question whether people should wear masks. Soon after the announcement was made, alt-right fans of Star Wars expressed outrage at the audacity of a company protecting its profits by disassociating with a problematic employee.

Many accused Disney of bowing to pressure from “cancel culture” and terminating their relationship with Carano because of her political views. So it’s perhaps not surprising that less than a day after her firing was announced, conservative commentator Ben Shapiro announced that Carano would be working with his company, The Daily Wire, on upcoming projects.

Soon after Shapiro made the announcement, Ms. Carano retweeted it, and welcomed Shapiro “to the rebellion.”

Later in the afternoon, Shapiro teased some preliminary details of the first project he’ll produce, starring Carano.

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“Folks, you’re really gonna love this. I think you’re just gonna flip out. This announcement might even be enough to finally moisten my wife’s genitals,” Shapiro told listeners to his podcast. “Gina and Scott Baio are going to star in Washed-Up Star Wars in the fall, and it’s just gonna knock your socks off.”

Shapiro said that “boatloads of conservative entertainment talent” will help produce the fim.

“You remember those hilarious videos that Trump would retweet, by that pudgy little weirdo known as Carpe Donktum? He’s in charge of special effects,” Shapiro said. “And I’ve hired Alex Jones, Jack Posobiec, and Mike Thernovich to write the script, because they have so much experience creating the fictional stories that you morons lap up as fact already.”

Mr. Shapiro wouldn’t let any details about the plot out, but he did assure his audience that it will be “free of P.C. cancel cultural Marxism and intelligentsia-isms.”

“I’m told by Jack that the first three pages of the script are just Gina saying the N-word,” Shapiro chuckled, “NOT BECAUSE WE ARE RACIST! Because we’re owning the libs by saying things racists want to say! We all know the rea racists are liberals for thinking minorities are addicted, literally addicted, to government.”

Washed-Up Star Wars will debut in the Bible Belt at various klan rallies and hootenannies later this year.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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