CUCKTOWN, COMMIEFORNIA — With far less than a hundred days before the general election in November, both major party candidates are hard at work securing as many endorsements they believe will sway voters as they can. It’s a tradition as old as politics itself, and this year is no exception to the rule. Today, former Vice President Joe Biden earned himself one of the most highly-anticipated endorsements of the election season thus far.
“It’s with great honor and privilege that I announce today, officially, that Antifa Corporate Headquarters is one hundred percent backing Joe Biden for President,” said Antifa CEO George Soros at a press conference today. “I’m sure for many of you there was never any question who we would ordain as the next High Emperor of Libtardia, but that does not diminish this great honor one bit. I am proud to be here, making history with this endorsement regardless of whether there was ever any doubt who would get it.”
Antifa Corporate HQ, as part of its endorsement, will “commit ten squintillion dollars” to the Biden administration’s agenda, starting countless non-profit organizations and shadow governments in the deep state to help further what he called Biden’s “true, glorious mission.”
“Ripping the country apart from within. If they thought my secret communist Sharia socialist Kenyan satanic crusading president was a threat to their American way,” Soros said giddily, “they have no idea how much Joe’s gonna get done. He’s a moderate, center-barely-left-if-that guy, so just imagine how much destruction to the evils of capitalism we can do, my comrades!”
In recent weeks, Antifa has become the focus of President Trump’s anger quite often. He has blamed the violence of some protests in America’s cities that have turned into looting and rioting on Antifa several times. Soros addressed that as well today.
“President Trump can blame Antifa for whatever it is he likes, but the ones showing up armed looking for trouble are also among his followers, his very fine people, if you will,” Soros said. “Besides, the way he thinks, I’m sure he believes Antifa is behind him having such a weird dick and small hands.”
As reported in June, Trump did blame former President Obama for putting a “Sharia Antifa hex” on his Tulsa rally. Trump had attempted to start rallies back up in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, but multiple issues led to an enormously depressed turnout. Herman Cain, who attended the rally, would test positive for COVID-19 shortly thereafter and passed away last month.
“The president has expressed a belief that his Tulsa rally was cursed by former President Barack Hussein Obama,” the White House source told us in an email. “It’s been widely known among true American patriots who read venerable bastions of journalistic integrity like Breitbart and InfoWars that Obama is a secret Kenyan Sharia cleric, and that he tried to use his powers to wipe ‘In God We Trust’ off our currency. Now, President Trump is convinced his Tulsa rally was the victim of a cruel, mean, nasty Sharia Antifa hex, and it’s obvious who cast the spell.” (AltFacts)
Current polling shows Biden with a lead nationally, and in several key swing states. However, Soros said today he wants his organization to “work like Biden’s down 70 points.”
“We must ensure our far left agenda of not pretending minority groups don’t have rights, and being just a little less shitty to the poor succeeds,” Soros demanded. “Stop at nothing, Antifa soldiers!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.