Biden Will Ask Trump to Be Fitted With Sweat-Activated Muzzle Prior to Next Debate

CLEVELAND, OHIO — Last night’s presidential debate between former Vice President Joe Biden and President Donald Trump was short on substantive discussions of the issues, but long on shouting, interruptions, conspiracy theories, and bullying put on display by the commander in chief.

ALSO: In 2017, Trump Spent $750 in Taxes, and $750,000 in Big Macs

President Trump interrupted and shouted over Biden so much that moderator and Fox News anchor Chris Wallace grew gradually more forceful with him in his requests to respect the format of the debate. Trump’s campaign pointed out that Wallace interrupted Trump more than 80 times. However, the Trump team did not report a tally of how many times Trump interrupted Biden or Wallace.

This morning, the presidential debate commission announced that it would be adding additional measures and format changes ahead of the next scheduled debate, noting that the first one illuminated many areas of improvement.

The debate commission did not announce what the format changes will be yet, but that didn’t stop the Biden campaign from announcing that they would be requesting changes of their own. In order to keep the president from talking over the former vice president and the moderator, Team Biden is asking that Trump be fitted with a special muzzle. The muzzle would activate when Trump began to sweat enough.

“All we’re asking for the debate commission to do is put a muzzle on the president that will activate and cover his big, fat face when he starts sweating profusely,” one Biden campaign source told us this morning. “Of course, if they made it so that the muzzle would go down over his mouth when he started talking over someone, that would work too, but if the muzzle is sweat activated, that doughy authoritarian won’t be heard from for almost the entire time.”

Historians and scholars have noted that last night’s performance from Trump marks the longest, sustained tantrum witnessed outside an elementary school.

“I’ve seen toddlers with their pants absolutely full of feces, hurling toys and screaming that seemed more calm and lucid than the president did last night,” presidential historian Calvin Worthington told us in a Skype interview this morning. “Once we were able to confirm that this tantrum was longer than the previous tantrum he threw in public, we could state with certainty that last night’s tantrum was the longest in recorded history. The next tantrum he throws could very easily take the record, though, so we’ll watch it quite closely.”

Even though the first debate was quite a debacle, the Biden team wasted no time stating just after it finished that the former vice president remains committed to and will participate in the two remaining debates. If Trump doesn’t agree to the sweat-activated muzzle, however, Biden will still debate him, his team said. In that case, though, Vice President Biden will be given a special device for combatting President Trump’s bullying.

“We’re just going to hand Joe a bullhorn,” one Biden staffer told us, “and if Trump can’t keep his fat mouth shut for a minute, Joe will just whip his bullhorn out and make sure he’s heard over the president.”

There are less than fifty days until Election Day.

MORE: Remembering When Obama Wouldn’t Commit to a Peaceful Transfer of Power and Republicans Were Like, “Meh.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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