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Thursday, September 28, 2023

Hair Dye Company “Just For Bridge Trolls” Signs Giuliani to Spokesmodel Contract

It was quite the scene, and when it was all said and done, President Donald Trump’s legal team had made a spate of stunning accusations while technically providing very little of what legal scholars would recognize as “evidence” for those claims. Perhaps what today’s press conference will be most remembered for, however, when the historians retell the tale, is that a sweaty, drunk fossil spent an inordinate amount of time sweating through his cheap hair dye and lying through his loosely fitting dentures about what happened two weeks ago, on Election Day.

Apparently, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s performance during the press conference in which he and Sidney Powell — another half-rat, half-human lawyer for Trump — made all kinds of accusations including that deceased dictator Hugo Chavez helped former Vice President Joe Biden defraud the electoral process, that he garnered the attention of the hair color dye company Just for Bridge Trolls. The company specializes in hair products designed for trolls who live under bridges, such as Mr. Giuliani himself.

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“Just moments ago, Rudolph Giuliani finished an absolute bonkers press conference,” Just for Bridge Trolls CEO Mark McMarkson tweeted, “and while all of the crazy shit he said should be ignored, I couldn’t help but notice the large, black streaks of black sweat running down his face, and I’d recognize our product anywhere!”

Within an hour of sending the tweet, McMarkson told us he was on the phone with Giuliani, talking about some kind of sponsorship agreement.

“Don’t get me wrong, Just for Bridge Trolls supports American democracy, and as a company we denounce Rudy’s batshittery,” McMarkson explained to us, “but we’d be absolutely stupid if we didn’t try to leverage his time in the spotlight in a positive way for our company, wouldn’t we?”

According to McMarksen, the deal is particularly good for Just for Bridge Trolls because they won’t have to pay Giuliani in money.

“He’s agreed to take paymenti n the form of gin and bar nuts,” McMarksen divulged, “so talk about a win-win for us! As long as the American people understand we’re just cynically exploiting him like he’s cynically exploiting dumb voters, we don’t see any downside to this partnership.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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