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Thursday, August 18, 2022

CDC: There Is No Vapid Moron Vaccine and Avoid Contact With Tomi Lahren Until There Is

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control is urging every American to avoid contact with what they’re calling a “particularly pernicious virus” that they say has the ability to cause severe brain damage if exposed to it for too long.

“The CDC reminds every single American that at this point in time, we have three COVID-19 vaccines but we do not have a vaccine for vapid morons,” the CDC wrote in a new announcement published today. “Therefore, it is imperative that contact with Fox News contributing racist blonde fuckmuppet Tomi Lahren be as limited as is possible.”

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Lahren has been one of the loudest voices casting doubt and skepticism on efforts to vaccinate citizens against the virus that has killed more than 600,000 Americans so far. Lahren has assailed state and federal governments who run campaigns encouraging people to get vaccinated.

The CDC called Lahren’s comments on the COVID-19 vaccine a “direct attack on human survival” and warned that “over exposure to toxic racism and stupidity” can have devastating consequences.

“Every minute you spend watching Tomi Limpbizkit’s TV appearances is like slamming your head into a brick wall at 150 mph while smoking a barrel of meth,” the CDC said. “Studies show that prolonged exposure to Tomi results in near total brain damage.”

The CDC also reported some symptoms of Lahren exposure to keep any eye out for. If you, or any of your loved ones, are suffering from one of these ailments, the CDC says you need completely and fully cut off all access to Lahren’s content, and should consider a frontal lobotomy to ensure all traces of what she put into your brain are removed.

Symptoms of Prolonged Lahren Exposure:

  • You think counting votes is “cheating”
  • Believing August 13th will be anything other than a day most Americans laugh at MAGA
  • Sense of impending doom seeing a person of color quietly protest extrajudicial homicide
  • Hearing Trump speeches in your dog’s farts
  • Still holding out hope that Mexico will pay for a wall that never got built

The CDC reports that roughly 76 million Americans might suffer from Lahren exposure.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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