WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what has been one of the busiest and most critical times in its existence, the Centers for Disease Control has spent most of its energies in the last couple of weeks trying to help Americans stop the spread of the novel coronavirus by issuing a slew of health guidelines and best practices. This morning, they issued a fresh set of guidelines aimed at keeping curbing the coronavirus outbreak by imploring Trump supporters to only use their own hoods, and to stop sharing them among the rest of their klan.
“Today the Centers for Disease Control would like to beg and plead with Trump supporters to use their own white hoods and only their own white hoods,” CDC Spokeswoman Allison DeGrille told reporters at a press conference. “Sharing hoods with your fellow klansman might be the hateful neighborly thing to do, but it’s also a tremendous way to spread the coronavirus, given all the snot and spittle that flies from your face when you’re shouting about white genocide.”
The CDC says that white robes should be treated in the same fashion as hoods.
“In the same vein, the CDC strongly urges Trump supporters to use their own white robes and perhaps even consider only lighting a cross with less than ten other klansmen,” DeGrille said. “At least util this whole coronavirus thing blows over. In general, I’d say that things that are used like community property should be go to solo-use for a little while. For instance, if you and your friend Doug are eskimo brothers because you both regularly have sexual intercourse with your cousin, sister, or cousin-sister, we cannot suggest strongly enough that you consider at least a brief period of monogamy. Either you get your cousin, or Doug does, for the next couple weeks at least.”
DeGrille also addressed some rumors that have been floating around on 4Chan, 8Chan, and around the White House water cooler since the coronavirus made its way to the United States.
“Folks, I think it’s also probably a good time to address something we’ve seen in a few different places as a suggestion for an alternative treatment of coronavirus,” DeGrille told the reporters, speaking somberly. “Burning herbs and/or crosses cannot and will not treat coronavirus. In general, the CDC recommends that only a trusted, licensed medical professional treat your illnesses, and that homeopathic or naturalistic healing methods be eschewed.”
There is one person in the country that apparently might not have to worry about who he shares his klan robes and hood with, though. Senior White House Racism Adviser Stephen Miller announced last week he was immune to the human mutation of the coronavirus.
“It turns out, since I’m an undead Nazi vampire cunt, I’m completely safe from the human version of coronavirus,” Miller said smugly. “That makes me the perfect candidate to join Father Pence’s response team. I look forward to helping him identify brown people to round up and send to camps on suspicion of being carriers of the coronavirus.” (Alternatively Facts)
DeGrille also reiterated the CDC’s previous guidance that Americans quarantine themselves from President Trump until such time as the threat of infection has subsided and/or he’s been voted out office.
“Sometimes it’s just not worth the risk,” DeGrille admonished Americans, “and we think this is one of those times. Stay safe, ignore the president. The life you save could be your own.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.