WASHINGTON, D.C. — A gaggle of drunken, angry clowns held an emotional press conference in the nation’s capital last week. After each clown gave a bitter, terse speech about how they felt shut out from the impeachment proceedings currently underway in a handful of congressional committees, they did what clowns do best and put on a circus stunt, barging into a secured room where a closed door deposition was being held.
Rep. Matt “Booze-O the Clown” Gaetz took on the role of ringleader for the day. Booze-O began the press conference by insisting the publicity stunt was necessary to draw attention to what he characterized as unfair treatment of King Donald Trump, Grand Imperial Wizard and President of the United States of America. Booze-O told reporters that he was leading his chorus of sad clowns out of a need to expose to the American people what Rep. Adam Schiff, chairman of one of the committees currently engaged in the impeachment process was doing.
Booze-O and several of his other fellow clowns insisted that they, as Republicans, were not being allowed into the hearings. Independent fact checkers would later confirm that there have been several Republicans on the relevant committees that were allowed into the hearings. Others have pointed out that depositions are routinely held in private, and that impeachment hearing themselves would likely be public events. Mr. Schiff confirmed as much on more than one occasion last week.
Despite these facts, each and every drunken clown who spoke at the press conference last week made it abundantly clear that they don’t acknowledge those facts. Most of the clowns shouted and howled about unfair the process has been to the president, and many made references to impeachment being a coup.
“I don’t get that argument at all,” Dr. Sally McSweeney, a noted constitutional scholar told us today via Skype. “For them to call impeachment a coup means they have to believe that the Constitution is some kind of deep state conspiracy against the president. Only clowns would think such a thing. But then again, you’d think by now Americans would stop getting their advice on what is or isn’t constitutional from clowns. Yet, still, here we are. Face to face. A couple of silver spoons.”
His Royal Highness Trump would later tweet thanks to several of the drunken clowns who held the press conference, Booze-O and Jim “Gym-y” Jodran in particular. Himself an egomaniacal clown, Mr. Trump called the press conference and barging into the hearing an “act of great patriotism” to aides later in the day, many sources are saying. It’s unclear if any of the clowns coordinated or planned their stunt in consultation or concert with the King Emperor President, however.
“It’s kind of hard to imagine how angry and upset Republicans would be if a bunch of Democrats had decided to storm into the dozens of closed-door depositions given during the Benghazi hearings,” a congressional aide speaking on the condition of anonymity told us. “I’m pretty sure they wanted to impeach and remove Obama from office because of the tan suit and French mustard on his hamburger. But sure, let’s all lose our minds over very important depositions being taken in a secure setting. That makes sense.”
Booze-O was one of a handful of clowns that accompanied King Trump to Game 5 of the World Series. At the game, impetuous plebs took it upon themselves to boo the king, or at least that’s what most of America heard during the broadcast. However, Booze-O had a different take on the situation.
“I happen to agree with Kellyanne Conway,” Booze-O said as he left the stadium. “I think they weren’t booing at all. I heard them simply making ghost sounds. And considering it’s Halloween in a few days, it makes a lot more sense that people would be greeting this great president and king with ghostly hellos than booing him. Especially when they don’t have any kind of special right to express themselves however they want to.”
Booze-O stumbled off into the distance, a trail of cheap American lager beer and urine behind him.
Watch highlights of the clown’s press conference:
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.