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Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Coat Hangers and Bleach Pass Meth and Busch Beer as Florida’s Highest Selling Products

Just days after Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) signed a sweeping, new 15-week abortion ban in his state, an economic impact is already being felt.

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For over three decades, the two highest-grossing products sold in Florida were Busch Beer and meth. Now, after DeSantis put a kibosh on abortions at 15 weeks of pregnancy — before many women even know they’re pregnant in the first place — two products have shot to the top of the list, past the beer and meth. According to preliminary sales data, coat hangers and bleach are now the leading products sold in the Gunshine State.

“From about 1983 to the start of this week, Busch Beer and meth propped up nearly 42% of Florida’s economy. The rest is tax revenue from Orlando’s theme parks. After Governor DeSantis signed the abortion, ban, though,” Floridian economist Mike Miguelito told us, “it appears that Florida’s residents saw a need to stock up on coat hangers and bleach. So much so that Busch beer and meth have been pushed down to three and four on the list, respectively.”

Miguelito said he cannot be completely certain, but he has what he called a “plausible theory” as to why coat hangers and bleach skyrocketed past meth and Busch Beer.

“Well, as much as Republicans claim to hate abortions, the simple truth is that they get them too. If you cutoff access to legal abortion, it’s not just the Democrats who will be desperate to get them still, it’s every woman,” Miguelito posited. “I could, of course be wrong, but I imagine there would have to be pretty strong motivating factors for Floridians to cut back on their meth budget in order to be able to afford a homeopathic abortion remedy.”

Depending on legal challenges to the new abortion ban, Mr. Miguelito says that demand for coat hangers and bleach could grow to the point that shortages are felt nationwide.

“Well, it’s going to be family reunion season down here in America’s Dong State soon, and usually that leads to quite a spike in accidental pregnancies and abortions,” Miguelito explained. “So, if demand gets high enough, we might see a national shortage of bleach and coat hangers. Only time will tell, of course.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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