WASHINGTON, D.C. — His critics have started to take notice that President Donald Trump hasn’t been talking much about the death toll from America’s COVID-19 pandemic outbreak recently. Most of the president’s public opines and statements have been related to the country “opening back up” and businesses and their employees ramping productivity back up, even as the U.S. sees another spike in new cases. With the onset of massive anti-police brutality protests all over the country in the wake of the killing of an unarmed black man by four police officers in Minneapolis adding to the noise and chaos, many have wondered if the president is even concerned at all with the still-climbing number of people who have died as a result of a coronavirus infection.
This morning, President Trump made an attempt to position himself in the public eye as someone extremely focused on and aware of the COVID-19 death toll. While hosting a handful of executives in the Oval Office, Trump took questions from reporters about the virus, and used the opportunity to make a surprise announcement.
“Even one death is terrible, unless of course it’s one of BOB MUELLER’S ANGRY DEMOCRATS,” Trump chuckled to himself at his own joke, “I kid! I kid! Although in all fairness I could shoot any one of those Democrats on Fifth Avenue and my people would love me more for it, but anyway, I digress. One death from the virus is bad, but I can’t help but be really quite bigly upset by the thought of how many of my MAGAs died because of it.”
Trump opened a drawer in the resolute desk and pulled out a bucket of KFC from it. He began stuffing entire chicken legs into his mouth as he spoke. Pressing a button on the desk, a scantily-clad woman entered the Oval Office, and attached a chain that was around her neck to the Resolute Desk. She began dancing as a wall dropped and a house band could be heard playing a lively tune. Trump watched the woman dance as he made his announcement.
“Oh oh oh! Ah-ah-ah,” Trump laughed as the woman danced. “So I’m going to do something to honor my lovely MAGAs. Crooked Hillary called them deplorable just because they think being white is an accomplishment and they might think or say really terrible things. But to me, they’re brilliant.”
The president shifted in his chair, raising his butt out of it as he kept his eyes locked on the dancing woman in front of him. A loud ripping sound could be heard, like someone hurling six hundred tons of wet blogna at a brick wall. Reporters would later recall that it smelled like someone had dropped a dead fish into a pile of dirty diapers for a brief time.
“Anywho, as of now I am ordering all confederate flags lowered to half-staff,” Trump said, waving his small digit finger in the air as he spoke imperiously, “to honor those brave MAGAs who we’ve lost in our war against the CHINA VIRUS. I believe this is one of the most important ways we can show respect to my wonderful people. The people who have forced the rest of you to spend four years under the leadership of a failed businessman-turned-reality TV game show host with a penchant for sexual assault. My MAGAs!”
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Taint) hailed the move as “the most important and consequential decision any president has made.”
“I dare say this is more important than the Emancipation Proclamation,” Graham said. “In fact, I have to say it, because if I don’t, the president will direct the Kremlin to release all the evidence on me. So there, I said it. Okay? PLEASE DON’T HURT ME, DADDY DONALD!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.